The book has made use of some of the content from this site. But there is also plenty of new material and illustrations. Unlike this site, the book does not engage in scoffing. So, it is more likely to be read by Witnesses than my site.
Still, it’s not completely serious. As its back-cover states, there is “a dash of humor” — which you may have gathered from the cover illustration! Some of the illustrations in its pages are pretty funny too.
Rather than trying to “disprove the religion,” it is devoted to showing how the Watchtower exercises “Undue Influence” over its members, and how that can be dealt with.
There is a great chapter on the Faithful and Discreet Slave, showing why the Governing Body cannot possibly be fulfilling that role. This, of course, frees Witnesses to think for themselves.
The other chapters delve into the major ways that the Watchtower interferes with people’s lives. Thoroughly investigating the blood issue, shunning, and child abuse. Each section explains in detail why the doctrines these policies are based on are fallacious. Then some suggestions are made on how Witnesses can live their lives with a measure of freedom despite these constraints.
The book is thin and concise. The paperback version is exactly 100 pages long. But it is packed with all the references you need to utterly demolish these most harmful of Watchtower doctrines.
Great for a “literature exchange” with a Witness who would never think of visiting a site such as this!
[Setting: Noon on a summer’s day. A sidewalk in a residential area of a city with parked cars along the opposite side of the street.]
Two sisters, May and June, are out in field service and May had been carrying her heavy bookbag all morning. She stops and sets her oversized bookbag down on the sidewalk.]
May: Oh, my aching back and arms! [She presses her hand against her back and stretches backwards as far as she can, then side to side. Then she stretches out her arms wide, and then her legs one by one in various stretches. June notices a guy in a nearby car holding up his cellphone towards them.]
June: Let’s keep moving. [They walk on.]
[Setting: A typical Kingdom Hall immediately after a meeting with members conversing and moving about. Three elders, the presiding Elder Bushtit, the flamboyant Elder Makinwupee, and the elderly Elder Wetpants call May and June into their walk-in-closet sized ‘Room of Reproof”.]
[Elder Bushtit holds up a newspaper with photos of them in an opinion article entitled ‘JW’s Perform Yoga Before Coming to Your Door’.]
Elder Bushtit: Sister June, did you observe Sister May performing yoga1 out in public?
May: I wasn’t performing yoga, I was just stretching.
Elder Bushtit: I was asking Sister June. Now you’ve spoken out of turn. Is that the way a submissive sister is to act?
June: It’s true. May, I mean Sister May was just stretching her worn out bones from carrying around her excessively heavy bookbag.
Elder Bushtit: I was asking Sister May if that was the way for a submissive sister to act. Now you’ve spoken out of turn….and what do you mean her ‘excessively heavy’ bookbag? Do you think us shepherds of the flock are giving you an excessively heavy yoke? Do you?
June [with an exaggerated smile]: Why no, of course not Elder Bushtit. Sister May always carries around the Concordance, Insight on the Scriptures, several Bible versions, most of our books (no matter how outdated…I mean after new light is shed, of course), and many many issues of the magazines, (which, by the way, she hardly ever places even after trying to give them away just for a high placement count). It makes her feel so superior to be able to answer any question right then and there because she’s so prepared with all those reference books.
May [confused expression; not sure if she’s just been insulted]: Well, it’s better to be prepared, having our ‘lamps full of oil’, than to keep telling householders, “Well, I’m not sure–I’ll look that up and get back to you,” just so some sisters can have a roster of Back-Calls. (Her eyes dagger June.)
Elder Makinwupee: Well, let’s get back to the reason we’re all gathered here together tonight, in this tiny, sweltering closet of a room as I watch the perspiration bead on your perfectly round white forehead, Sister May, and form a slowly descending track past your deep blue eyes and down your delicate neck to parts unmentionable….ahem!
[Elders Bushtit and Wetpants stare at Elder Makinwupee.]
Elder Makinwupee: It’s obvious to me from these very suggestive poses exposed in these photos that Sister May has a very flexible and lithe figure, well-proportioned, and toned. Yes, very toned, especially those gluteus maximus. All indications that she practices yoga on a regular basis.
Elder Wetpants: Here! Here! [Strikes his cane on the floor.]
Elder Bushtit: In this photo, you are obviously doing the Warrior pose. Does Jehovah like warriors?
Elder Wetpants: No! No! [Waves his cane back and forth.]
Elder Bushtit: And here you are doing the Downward Dog pose! Do you remember Rev. 22:15: “…outside are the dogs…”? Do you want to be outside with the dogs Sister May?
Elder Wetpants: Oh, I just remembered I have to go home and walk my dog Dammit!
[Everyone looks at Elder Wetpants in astonishment.]
Elder Wetpants: No, that’s his name, really. Dammit.
Elder Makinwupee: If you can please refrain from swearing for a few minutes, Elder Wetpants! This won’t take long to determine her guilt.
May: That is NOT a Downward Dog pose. I was picking up a penny.
Elder Makinwupee: Without bending your silky, long, lovely legs Sister May? Perhaps you can demonstrate the difference to me between bending over with your gluteus maximus high in the air and the Downward Dog pose?
Elder Bushtit [staring at Elder Makinwupee then slowly turning and addressing May]: You were picking up a penny? Why? Was it your penny? Was it laying face up so you thought it would be lucky to pick up a penny? Was that it? A lucky penny? Does Jehovah’s organization on earth believe in luck? Or were you going to take someone else’s penny? Do you know what we call it when we take someone else’s possessions? We call it stealing! Does Jehovah approve of stealing? Need I remind you of the Ten Commandments: Thou Shalt Not Steal!
Elder Makinwupee: I still say she should prove she wasn’t doing that Downward Dog thing.
May: It’s too stuffy and hot in here, I feel like I’m going to faint. Can’t we open the door?
Elder Bushtit: Absolutely not! Our disciplinary meetings are completely confidential; we can’t allow the flock to overhear parts of our conversation and spread gossip from misinterpreting what they might hear—-
[May loses consciousness and falls backwards onto the floor.]
Elder Bushtit Elder Makinwupee
and Elder Wetpants: [The elders look at her for a moment and then pointing at her cry out in unison]: SAVASANA POSE! Consider yourself disfellowshipped Sister May!
To the astonishment and delight of us all, two members of the Governing Body: Anthony Norris III and Steven Lot, have branched out into the world of stand-up comedy (though some apostates may insist that the Governing Body have been living in that world, unknowingly, for a long time.)
Tony is the straight-man, deadpanning the whole time, while Steven’s a crackup; using his notoriously extreme facial expressions to milk the audience’s laughter.
If you haven’t caught their act yet, which has opened for several recent conventions throughout the U.S. and Great Britain, you may enjoy the following transcription of a recent performance. Unfortunately a transcription cannot fully convey the physical comedy and superb timing of a live performance.
Norris & Lot: [Walk out to great applause. Norris goes and stands behind the podium, Lot stands a few feet away to his right, behind a standing mic. They bow, applaud each other, and wait for the crowd to settle down.]
Norris: So, a guy walks into a bar–
Lot: Ouch! [Holds hand over his eye, and staggers about the stage, then doubles over in mock pain.]
Audience: [Roars with laughter; so relieved to see these men not being serious for a change.]
Norris: [Waits for audience to quiet down, and Lot to recover himself.]
[Shuffles his papers on the podium, till at last he seems to find the right one.]
A guy walks into a magazine counter.
Lot: Ouch! [Repeats performance. Crowd laughs even harder this time.]
Norris: [After patiently waiting for everyone to settle down; while remaining straight-faced himself the whole time.] Sorry. I’ll get this right eventually — you know that sometimes we don’t get everything exactly right the first time.
Audience: [Laughs, then applauds as Norris gives a meaningful look.]
Lot: Yeah, we’re not infallible. Just remember the Generation teaching!
Audience: [Starts laughing, but then catch themselves and stop short.]
Norris: [Gives Lot a long, thoughtful look.] No; not like the Generation teaching. We had that one right the first time.
Lot: Oh, right! We just didn’t know what we were saying.
Audience: [Confused, sporadic laughter.]
Norris: No; he’s right: we said the Generation wouldn’t die out before the end came. We just didn’t know that the Generation was uh —
Audience: [Laughter & applause.]
Norris: So, a brother walks over to the magazine counter.
Lot: [Encouragingly.] Tell the story, brother.
Norris: And he asks the Magazine Servant —
Lot: Did you ever wonder why you start out as a servant and have to rise to the level of a slave?
Audience: [Laughter and applause.]
Norris: [Gives Lot a stern look.] And he asks the Magazine Servant, “Say, brother, have you got the swimsuit issue?”
Lot: [Mugs an outrageous face of shock, replete with rolling eyes.]
Audience: [Roars with laughter.]
Lot: Well, at least he didn’t ask for a Playboy!
Audience: [Gasps at the mention of such a thing by a Governing Body member, then laughs hysterically.]
Norris: Do they still publish that wicked rag?
Lot: [Putting his hand on his chest.] How would I know?
Norris: So, the Magazine Servant reaches under the counter, saying, “Oh, yes, I believe we still have one issue left, down here.” [Long pause.] And he pulls out our January issue with the report on all of the baptisms for last year.
Lot: [Doubles over in hysterical laughter, which in itself is funny enough to give the audience something to laugh at rather than Norris’s dud of a punchline.]
Norris: [Steps to the side of the podium and takes a bow.]
Audience: [Polite applause.]
Lot: Speaking of baptism, brother Norris, I heard a sister say that she thought John the Baptist was hot.
Norris: [In mock disbelief.] Hot?!
Lot: She was looking at the illustration of him in the Watchtower. The one with the bulging muscles. [Flexing and feeling his own biceps, then nodding and smiling at ladies in the audience.] I Guess John had been working out; not much else to do in the desert.
Norris: And she really said that she thought he was “hot”?
Lot: “Smokin’!” [Mugs an indescribable face, perhaps meant to mimic the woman’s attraction to the picture.]
Norris: Wait; she said he was smoking?
Lot: “Smokin’!” [Repeats face, even more exaggeratedly.]
Norris: No, I’m not kidding! You’re a member of the Governing Body: the Faithful and Discreet slave! How can you not know of this prohibition? Toasting is a pagan religious ritual! You’re supposed to be setting an example!
Lot: [Looking dejected.] Now I’ll have to report Susan to the judicial committee for toasting that marshmallow. It was all her idea. Though I ate it; just like Adam ate the fruit Eve gave him. Does that make me guilty too?
Norris: Oh, it was just a toasted marshmallow? That’s okay then.
Lot: Whew! Well, now I’m really glad we decided against the piñata.
Lot: [Reaches into his jacket pocket and takes out a pencil and notebook, begins writing something down.]
Norris: What are you doing now?
Lot: Just making a note. “Piñatas: okay… Toasting: ETERNAL DEATH!”
Norris: Now that you’ve got that straight in your mind, can you tell us why you would have a piñata, of all things, at your anniversary celebration?
Lot: I told you we were going all out.
Lot: Oh yeah; people have piñatas at their celebrations. I’ve seen this: you take a stick and hit it, and stuff falls out… It’s kind of like these young attractive sisters: they get hit on all the time, and then spill their guts in the courts about elders having sexually abused them.
Norris: Yeah; I’d like to take a stick to them myself sometimes, for all the trouble they cause the Society.
Too bad it’s not like in the good old days when Rutherford armed his body-guards with canes, which they weren’t hesitant to use.
Norris: [Ignoring Lot.] And unfortunately it’s not just the sisters; there’s those young brothers in tight pants, exciting the older men —
Lot: Wait a minute! [Takes out notebook and writes again] “Tight pants: HUMAN HOT-DOGS!
[Puts away notebook and yawns.]
Norris: Are we keeping you up?
Lot: [Looks at watch] It’s about time for my siesta.
Norris: You take a siesta?
Lot: Every day. [Norris stares at him, making him nervous and guilty.] Uh-oh! [Takes out notebook and rifles through it.] I don’t see siestas on the list. Aren’t they okay?
Norris: Just like birthdays, there is only one mention of a siesta in the Bible, and a murder was committed during it.
Lot: [Writes in notebook, with exaggerated emphasis, as if stabbing a hole through the paper.] I better pop a No-Doze!
Norris: Just kidding, brother Lot. Siestas are acceptable.
Lot: [Rips the page out of his notebook, crumples it, and throws it offstage.] And into the apostate-bucket it goes!
Norris: We have to get off now and make room for the serious stuff. Despite all our foolishness, we’d like to end on an inspiring note —
Lot: Oh, I’ve got one! You know we joke about the sisters, but seriously, I’ve come closer in my understanding and appreciation and love for Jehovah through my long, long, long [nodding his head and slumping lower and lower with each repetition of the word] long marriage.
Norris: Kind of gives you a taste for what eternity will be like, doesn’t it, brother?
Lot: [Straightening back up] Yes, isn’t it wonderful? Best of all, I now understand why Jehovah created man before woman.
Norris: Why is that?
Lot: He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.
Norris & Lot: [Raise their arms above their heads, give each other high-five’s, and bow.]
Audience: [Gives standing ovation.]
Norris & Lot: Thank you; you’ve been great — though you’ll never be as great as us!
Disclaimer:Any resemblance of characters in this article to actual persons, living or dead, may not be entirely coincidental.
This dialogue is entirely the product of the writer’s warped imagination (along with some bad jokes culled from the Internet), though it’s mostly all in fun, it all has a basis in the actual writings, theology, history, and policies of the Watchtower (as the provided links demonstrate.)
NORRIS: Good morning. My name is Mr. Anthony Norris the third, and this is brother Steven Lot. We’re calling on your neighbors this morning to discuss the crime rate. How do you feel about the increase in crime and violence?
SOCRATES: And a good morning to you too, gentlemen. I am Mr. Socrates Sophroniskou Alopekethen. [Using the most elaborate form of his name in gentle mockery of Anthony’s overly formal introduction. However, since this goes over their heads, Socrates just smiles at his private little joke, and continues.]
I love a good discussion! Please come in and sit down.
NORRIS & LOT: Thank you.
SOCRATES: [Picking up a bottle in one hand and two wine-glasses in the other.] May I offer you some wine? I cannot imbibe myself — having once had a bad experience with a drink — but my friends tell me that this is a particularly good brand.
SOCRATES: [Sitting down across from them] Very well. You asked me what I thought about the increase in crime and violence. Before I can answer that I’ll need to know what crimes and acts of violence you’re referring to, whom they were committed against, and over what period they have increased.
NORRIS: Well, we find that ever since 1914: World War I, crime and violence have been on the increase everywhere.
SOCRATES: And you are factoring in population increase?
SOCRATES: You know, gentlemen, I must tell you that I have become utterly fascinated by the Internet, which my good friend Aristocles, son of Ariston, has introduced me to. [A twinkle in his eye here, but after searching his visitors’ faces and seeing no recognition of Plato’s real name, he settles for another mysterious smile.]
This Internet is a veritable encyclopedia of facts at one’s fingertips! And all in the blink of an eye!
While we’ve been talking, I’ve looked up the facts in this matter, and actually when we factor in the population increase, we find that crime has actually been decreasing! And given humankind’s very violent past, we are living in the most peaceful time in history!
NORRIS: [Looking amazed] Are you aware of the two World Wars, the recent school shootings—
SOCRATES: Yes. Are you aware of the real first world war? It started in 1754 when George Washington murdered some Frenchmen, and ended up involving every inhabited continent on the globe except for Australia.
NORRIS: That’s an interesting history lesson, but 1914 saw an unparalleled loss of lives.
NORRIS: [Dismissively] Anyway, the Bible shows that Jesus predicted the wars and violence, and even the earthquakes that we see today: “For nation shall rise against nation, and there will be earthquakes in one place after another… and then the end will come.” So, the conditions we see today are proof that the end of this system of things is fast approaching. Those who want to survive into the new system have to take steps today to align themselves with Jehovah God’s kingdom, soon to rule the earth.
I’d like to leave you with this magazine which shows how the Bible predicted all the things we are seeing, and what we need to do in order to be on God’s side when the Great Tribulation begins, which Jesus spoke of in verse –
SOCRATES: That’s very kind of you, and I look forward to reading your magazine. But can you help me understand what you just said?
NORRIS: Of course.
SOCRATES: You said that Jesus predicted an earthquake! That’s amazing, given how difficult it is for scientists, with all their modern equipment, to make accurate predictions. Which earthquake did Jesus accurately predict? Was it the Lisbon earthquake of 1755? The San Francisco earthquake of 1906 or 1989? Or the 1964 “Good Friday” earthquake in Anchorage? Or perhaps —
NORRIS: No, Jesus didn’t make any specific earthquake predictions. He just said that there would be earthquakes in one place after another.
SOCRATES: But haven’t there always been earthquakes in one place after another? What kind of “prediction” is that?
LOT: [Pulls out an old magazine from his book-bag, and reads]
“We have recently experienced a period that has had one of the highest rates of great earthquakes ever recorded,” according to Tom Parsons, a research geophysicist at USGS.
SOCRATES: [Typing furiously on his computer] Oh, yes, I’ve found that quote. But why did you stop there? The article goes on to say:
Most researchers agree that the frequency spike is most likely random. Plus, this isn’t the first time we’ve seen an uptick in quakes: between 1950 and 1965, the earth shook more than usual, too. As the USGS explains, “A temporary increase or decrease in seismicity is part of the normal fluctuation of earthquake rates. Neither an increase or decrease worldwide is a positive indication that a large earthquake is imminent.” In fact, Parson’s study shows that since 1979, the average rate of major earthquakes has been roughly 10 a year.
The National Earthquake Information Center (NEIC) records an average of 20,000 earthquakes every year (over 50 a day) around the world. There are, however, millions of earthquakes estimated to occur every year that are too weak to be recorded.
So, again: there is always one earthquake after another (and often they are even simultaneous.) And, oh yes, I read this quote in the Watchtower magazine — though not the issue you’re leaving with me:
And yet, this puzzles me, because in an earlier issue, they wrote something quite at odds with that quote:
The severity and deadliness of earthquakes have increased markedly since “the time of the end” commenced for this old system in 1914.
— Watchtower, May 1, 1970, page 270.
Can you explain that?
[Lot and Norris look at each other, each hoping the other has some comeback. Finally, Lot ventures the fallback excuse] LOT: Oh, that’s all taken out of context.
SOCRATES: I see. But let me ask you this: you say that after the war and the earthquakes “the end will come.” And you say this meant World War I, and the wars, crime, violence, and earthquakes since then. Correct?
SOCRATES: Yet you say “the end of this system of things is fast approaching.”
NORRIS: That’s right, yes.
SOCRATES: So, what are we waiting for? 1914 was over a hundred years ago. If all you say is true, shouldn’t the end have come by now?
NORRIS: Jesus went on to say that the generation that witnessed the events of 1914 would by no means have passed away before the end came.
SOCRATES: Well, let’s see, babies born in 1914 would be 105 years old today. So that generation has pretty much passed away, hasn’t it?
NORRIS: Actually, they wouldn’t have been babies; they would’ve had to have been of the age of understanding, which we believe is at least 10 years old.
SOCRATES: And they would’ve used this “understanding” to understand that the war and earthquakes signaled the start of the last days, correct?
SOCRATES: But at that time, the Watchtower was proclaiming that 1914 was the end of the last days: not their start, correct? I found this old Watchtower quote:
We see no reason for changing the figures — nor could we change them if we would. They are, we believe, God’s dates, not ours. But bear in mind that the end of 1914 is not the date for the beginning, but for the end of the time of trouble.”
– The Watchtower Reprints, July 15, 1894, p. 1677 (Emphasis in original.)
NORRIS: Well, yes. The light has gotten brighter since then.
SOCRATES: But no Watchtower subscriber of that time would’ve recognized 1914 as the start of the last days, correct?
NORRIS: Some of them might’ve.
SOCRATES: You mean, on their own: going against what the Watchtower was telling them was the “truth”?
SOCRATES: Do many in your religion think for themselves in that way: questioning the “light” published by the Watchtower?
SOCRATES: So then your belief in 1914 hangs upon an egregiously thin thread!
NORRIS: How do you mean?
SOCRATES: It requires that there are people, at least 115 years old, who, as ten year-old children in 1914 believed — in spite of what the Watchtower published — that the year marked the start of the last days.
NORRIS: Well, children don’t always believe what we tell them.
SOCRATES: [aside] I’m amazed that any adults do.
NORRIS: But the thread’s not so thin as all that. In light of the 1914 generation having died out, we now understand that by “generation” Jesus meant not only those of an age of understanding in 1914, but anyone anointed while any of those anointed who witnessed 1914 were still alive.
SOCRATES: [laughs] Not seriously?
NORRIS: Oh, yes. The Bible sometimes uses “generation” to refer to all the people alive at one time period.
SOCRATES: Well, sure; but you’re spreading that time-period out way too far: beyond a lifetime! When you do that, the term generation loses its meaning. For instance, my great-grandfather immigrated to this country as a young man. He was still alive when I was born. Now, according to your definition of “generation” I am of the same generation as my great-grandfather — even though I am rightly considered a 4th generation American because he was a first generation American.
NORRIS: That is correct.
SOCRATES: So, while most people would consider me part of the “Baby Boom” generation, you’re telling me that since I was born while my great-grandpa was alive, I’m really part of the “Lost” generation of the late 1800’s!