They tell us somewhere children struggle just to stay alive.
But with their letters, every day, new catalogs arrive:
with VCR's and stereos, CD's and televisions
(when weighed against our charity, these make for quick decisions).

Please help us laugh at those who wear compassion on their sleeve;
who tell such horrid tales of woe that no one can believe;
who march, and chant their mindless slogans, only to protest
the things which bring our weary lives some comfort and some rest.

Convince us the environment can handle anything,
that animals are only worth the pleasure that they bring,
that those concerned with suffering are evil terrorists,
and caring for the earth's a plot contrived by Communists.

Give us this day a new cologne and omnipresent ad,
and tell us each annoying "cause" is just a passing fad.
We'll kneel in front of televisions meditatively
till we can't see our victims die or hear one mournful plea.

Reward us who have always known just where our duty lies,
who loyally consume, ignoring all fanatics' cries.
Assure us that our lives are blest by all Your Grace imparts
(despite the constant mouse-like gnawing deep inside our hearts).