Joe!

Let me tell you about the greatest guy I know: Joe.

Joe is the greatest because of his integrity. You’ll never meet a more ethical, fair-minded, good-hearted guy than Joe.

Let me tell you why I praise Joe so highly (you’ll be literally singing his praises too once you hear.)

Joe used to have the most beautiful backyard in the neighborhood. Replete with fountains and trees: a real orchard! He always left the gate open and allowed the neighborhood kids to come in and play, and eat the fruit off his trees, etc. Well, all except for one tree, which he had posted with a sign: “Do not eat from this tree! Violaters will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law!” I know; that doesn’t sound like Joe. But, hey, I guess he really loved that tree.

So one day the inevitable happened: he found a couple of kids munching on the fruit from his favorite tree. The kids didn’t know it was wrong; they couldn’t read. But he threw them and everyone else out of the yard, locked the gate, posted a guard, and then destroyed the orchard! (Did I mention that Joe has a violent temper?)

It seems those kids hadn’t acted entirely on their own initiative when they ate that forbidden fruit. No; there was an instigator: the neighborhood bully, who was jealous of Joe: Stan.

When Joe burned down his own orchard and threw everybody out, he also put Stan in charge of all the kids. Of course he knew that Stan was a real low-life, and that he’d treat the kids miserably and lead them into all kinds of mischief that would lead to their ruin. But, hey: they had chosen Stan over him — and Joe was pretty peeved about that — so let them suffer the consequences of their own choice! That’s fair, isn’t it?

But then Joe got to thinking. He had gone to so much work planting that orchard: he really wanted people to enjoy it. So, he decided to murder his son in order to forgive everyone for what those two kids had done.

But, before he had his son murdered, he told his favorite kids to act out the upcoming murder by ritually killing animals. Wasn’t that a great act of love on Joe’s part? But, before you start singing his praises along with me, I have to tell you that there is still more evidence of his great love and forgiveness for all humanity!

Joe decided to murder all the kids who followed Stan (the guy Joe left in charge) and then have the remaining kids plant a new orchard for themselves on a new plot of land Joe would give to them. Wasn’t that generous? Those few kids are going to live happily ever after thanks to Joe’s forthright way of dealing with those original two “bad” kids.

I know that some people think Joe could’ve handled this whole situation better somehow. But, hey: Joe says he’s a lot smarter and better than anyone else, so he knows best. Better not to question his actions, or you won’t be allowed into that future new orchard. Just keep praising him, and using his name at least once in every sentence, similar to how some people use the word f**k. Just be sure to use his full name: Joe Hovah.