Jehovah, the war god of the ancient Hebrews is dead at the age of 48,108. He died on Wednesday after a long battle against smallpox. He had contracted the disease in the early 20th century shortly after refusing the smallpox vaccine which his Witnesses told him was “filthy pus” and against his own law.
A spokesperson for the Jehovah’s Witnesses justified the ruling against vaccination, calling it “truth for its time,” but expressed regret that Jehovah had succumbed to the disease as a result.
The smallpox vaccine–as Witnesses now admit–was largely responsible for eradicating the deadly smallpox virus from the face of the Earth (but evidently not from the heavenly realm.)
Jehovah’s death reduces the pantheon of gods to just Odin, Aphrodite, Zeus (aka Jupiter), and the rapper Lil B.
Jehovah, who was known familiarly as just “God” to many of his worshipers, is best known for his claim of having created the heavens and the Earth and all that dwell therein (except for woman, whom he built from a rib). Scientists have challenged this claim in recent years, but those closest to him say that he never wavered in his belief.
He was active thousands of years ago leading the ancient Hebrews in their bloody, barbaric battles. He had been largely inactive for the past 2,000 years other than the odd miracle here and there in the Middle Ages (though some right-wing fundamentalists attribute AIDS to him as a recent creative punishment upon humankind.)
He is perhaps survived by one bastard son: Jesus, who died 2,000 years ago but some claim is still living.
When asked if Jehovah’s death would be the end of their religion, a spokesperson for the Jehovah’s Witnesses said that they’d “carry on business as usual,” because “that’s what Jehovah would’ve wanted. Besides, we’ve had worse upsets than this and we’ve always sprung back; we’re very resilient.”
Twitter comments on the news story:
“Well, he was certainly past his prime.”
“What was he doing all these years?”
“I thought he died a really long time ago.”
“So, who’s gonna take his place now? I’d like to see a woman — a goddess this time.”
“Is there, like, a funeral?”
“Does this mean we have to cancel Armageddon and the Rapture?”
“You forgot to tell us whether he was Protestant or Catholic.”
“More importantly: was he a Republican or a Democrat?”
“Still more importantly: Did he leave a will? Or does the universe go into probate now for eternity?”
“When God dies where does he go? I mean, he’s already in heaven, so how would he even notice that he died?”
“So I guess his son will inherit the business now?”