Jehovah’s Witnesses: A Gentle Parody

sombreroOur scene opens on a bright sunny day in a dusty Mexican street. A lone man is seated next to a trashcan, with his back up against a whitewashed wall. His large sombrero is pulled down over his face. Two men in business suits, carrying briefcases and sweating profusely, slowly approach him.

Estaban: You take this one, I took the last one.

Juan: Okay, but then I think we need to take a break; I’m starting to sweat pretty bad.
to seated figure: Good afternoon, sir!

Pedro (the seated figure) slowly raises the brim of his sombrero and stares fixedly at the two men before him.

Juan: We’re in your neighborhood today talking to people about current conditions in the world and how the Bible has pointed out the solution to all the problems in the world today.
Pausing, but seeing that there is no response forthcoming from the man, he continues: Have you ever prayed the Lord’s Prayer?

Pedro: Are you two gringos? What are you doing dressed like that during siesta?

Juan: We’re out here spreading the good news of Jehovah’s Kingdom… Wouldn’t you like to live in a new world of peace and plenty?

Pedro: You’re both going to get heat stroke!

Estaban: We have to follow God’s Word, and so we cannot take siestas.
He takes a handkerchief from his back pocket and mops his forehead: We have to witness no matter what the conditions.

Pedro: What does God’s Word have to do with siesta? Didn’t God create the sun… and the shade?

Juan: The Bible says that siestas are pagan, and so God’s people cannot participate in them… Wouldn’t you like to live in a world where–

Pedro: I wouldn’t want to live in a world without siestas! You two must be loco.

Estaban Obviously offended: Look, the only place in the Bible where a siesta is mentioned — it is only pagans who take them, and then someone was killed during it–

Juan Who has been furiously turning pages in his Bible while Estaban was speaking: Here it is right here in Second Samuel, chapter four, starting with verse five:
‘And the sons of Rimmon… proceeded to go and come to the house of Ishbosheth about when the day had heated up, as he was taking his noonday siesta… And here they came into the middle of the house as men fetching wheat, and they struck him in the abdomen. When they went into the house, he was lying upon his couch in his inner bedroom, and they struck him so that they put him to death, after which they removed his head’
Juan claps his Bible closed and exchanges a triumphant smile with Estaban. Then they both turn towards Pedro in eager anticipation of his response to The Truth.

Pedro: I’m not an educated man, but I know bull when I hear it — and that’s bull. What if the Bible only had one story about somebody taking a bath, and they were pagan and they got killed: would you say the Bible forbids baths? Or how about this: the only person in the Bible that ever prayed in a garden (Jesus) was killed, so the Bible forbids praying in gardens!

Juan Reopening his Bible he starts to look for something, but then gives up, and feeling the effects of the heat uses the Bible to fan himself): Well, giving up siesta is a very small sacrifice to make. God’s Name People are willing to give up our very lives if necessary to obey God’s Word — such as refusing blood transfusions.

Estaban: Proudly: We don’t celebrate birthdays for the same reason.

Juan: Or Christmas!

Estaban: And we can’t take part in politics.

Juan: Or go to R-rated movies.

Estaban: Or have certain kinds of sex with our own wives — which others tell us is very pleasurable… Looking down at his feet with a mixture of shame and confusion.

Juan Somewhat dejectedly: Or read anything but Watchtower publications. (His sweaty palms cause the Bible to slip from his grip and land at Pedro’s feet).

Estaban: Or associate with worldly or disfellowshipped people… (He looks at Juan in confusion).

Pedro: And you call this GOOD news? (He absently picks up the Bible and leafs through it).

Suddenly, Juan collapses to the ground from the heat. Estaban kneels over him asking if he’s all right.

Pedro: He’ll be okay, you just need to get him into the shade.

Estaban: No, no! I can’t do that! That would be like forcing him to take a siesta! It would mean his eternal life! He would sooner die loyal to Jehovah!

Pedro calmly stands up, takes two steps forward, uncaps his canteen, and pours its contents over the prone Juan. After a few seconds Juan gasps for air and struggles to stand, but falls back into a sitting position.

Pedro: Before you two die right in front of me, I found some advice for you from your Bible.

Estaban: What is it?

Pedro: Here, I’ll ease your burden and make your yoke kindly and light… He chuckles and rips a page out of the Bible as both of the other men gasp in shock. Then he carefully tears a single verse from the page and hands it to Estaban. Walking away from them, he crumples up the loose page and tosses it into the trashcan, followed by the rest of the book. Chuckling, and shaking his head, he walks off stage.

Juan Weakly: What’s it say?

Estaban: It’s a quote from Jesus in Luke 12:57:
‘Why do you not judge for yourselves what is right?’