Me: “Hi, I’m Steve, and I need to tell you that I am God’s prophet on Earth: the sole source of truth on the planet!”
You: “Well, good for you! Have a nice day, now!”
Me: “No, really; I can prove it!”

You decide that you have a few minutes to kill, and that this might prove amusing, so you say: “Okay, prove it.”

Me: “Okay: I prophesied that something would happen in the year 2004: and sure enough: something did happen!”

You: “Was it what you predicted?”

Me: “Not exactly; because the prophetic light wasn’t too bright before that event.”

You: “That’s not very impressive.”

Me: “Oh yeah? Well, my real forte is not so much prophesying the future, but revealing how prophecies have come true (which, I’m proud to say, is my own alternate definition of a ‘prophet.’)”¹

You: “Give me one good example.”

Me: “Well, in two places the Bible speaks of a period of 1,260 days: Daniel 12:7 and Revelation 11:3. I discerned that this period of time corresponded to a period 1,278 days long: between October first, 2004 and April first, 2008.”

You: “And how did you determine that? What’s so significant about those particular dates?”

Me: “That’s the period when I hit a streak of bad luck: I lost my job, my wife left me, and I became homeless, finally I was incarcerated in March.”

You: “That sure is interesting. {sarcastically} But why would the Bible have foretold events in your particular life?”

Me: “Because I’m God’s prophet. Don’t you see? This proves it!”

You: “Circular reasoning at its finest! But how come the number of days isn’t right?”

Me: “Oh, I forgot: I changed the explanation of that prophecy to November 7, 2004 through May 7, 2008. Because it was actually on May 8th that I was arrested: not March as I originally stated.”

You: “You forgot when you were arrested?”

Me: “I told you the light was dim back then. But my new explanation fits much better; it’s only 1,277 days instead of 1,278.”

You: “That’s still 17 days too many.”

Me: “Oh? Well, it was really from October 4 to March 26; that’s only nine days too many.”

You: “Are you sure, now?”

Me: “Yes–wait: I’m sure that it was from July 28, 2004 to early 2008.”

You: “That one’s a little vague. If it’s supposed to be 1,260 days why can’t you give the exact ending date, given the starting date?”

Me: “Because nothing at all happened on that date. But that’s how I know I’m right with my latest understanding: December 28th, 2004 to June 21st, 2008: the day when I was sentenced: not the day when I was arrested. You can take that one to the bank! What’s more, it’s only 11 days too many!”

By now you’re thinking that it would’ve been more appropriate to lock me away in the nut house than to have sentenced me to prison.

The Point

If the Watchtower were a person, it would sound very much like I did in the above conversation (just subtract 90 years from the dates). In fact, it would sound a little worse, because the Watchtower has come up with even more interpretations of the 1,260 days of Daniel 12:7 and Revelation 11:3 than I did in the imaginary conversation above!

Here is a chart showing the seven different interpretations, along with some other multiply-interpreted dates (still not meant to be an exhaustive list.) The “current understandings” (at the time of this writing) are highlighted in orange. Please click on the chart to enlarge it. References are provided at the end of this article.


To gain a clearer picture, here’s the same information, with the same color-coding, as a time-line (minus the day-for-a-year interpretations of Russell) Again, please click the image to enlarge it.

Note that, other than Russell’s interpretations (which were mostly–if not entirely–borrowed from the Adventists²,) all of the dates are off except for one (Rev. 12:6), and that one is not the “current understanding.” The rest are all “late” by between 9-35 days. Yet, the Bible tells us that God’s prophecies “will not be late.” (Hab. 2:3)

So, does the Watchtower’s interpretations of these biblical dates inspire one with confidence that they know what they’re talking about (much less that they have proven themselves to be God’s prophet and sole source of truth on earth)? To answer that question it is time, once again, for our dear Witness readers to trot out their favorite excuses about “human imperfection” and “the light getting brighter.” But, of course, neither of these excuses will resolve the discrepancy in the number of days.

When we’re discussing biblical interpretation, things normally get rather fuzzy and can be taken many different ways. But here we have simple math: a certain exact number of days is given. The first, rudimentary criteria for judging the accuracy of its supposed fulfillment would be that the number of days matched. Try as it might, ever since the Rutherford era, the Watchtower’s interpretations have never been able to meet that basic criteria for Daniel 12:7 and Revelation 11:3.

A Long-Forgotten Lie

More importantly, while struggling to fit the 1,260 days into a prophecy about himself and his cohorts, Rutherford lied about the date of their arrest. That’s a serious failing in a man claiming to be “God’s prophet on Earth,” and the sole source of divine truth, wouldn’t you say?

Here’s the proof for the above allegation:

“The Scriptural statement and the physical facts as they are well known to exist are therefore exactly in harmony and show that 1260 days are literal in time and began October 1, 1914, and ended practically the first of April, 1918.”

—Watchtower, 1929 Dec 15, p. 372

The latter date was represented as the fulfillment of “the last scattering of God’s people.” However, over a month later, on May 8th, the Watchtower officers were arrested. Because that event would tend to contradict the notion that the “final scattering” had previously ended, Rutherford led his readers to believe that the arrests occurred within his time-frame: prior to April 1st:

“Early in February, 1918, many of “the holy people”, or God’s anointed, in Canada were arrested and thrown into prison. In the same month the books of account and private papers of the Society’s office at Brooklyn headquarters were seized. A few days later the officers of the Society at Brooklyn were arrested.” — ibid.

According to the above quote, the arrests would’ve occurred in late February or early March at the latest: well before the end of the “final scattering” in April. But the facts, and all subsequent Watchtower publications show the actual date of their arrest was May 8, 1918: which was 37 days after the “final scattering.” (e.g., see the June 1, 1918 Watchtower, page 172, and the 1975 Yearbook, page 104, both pictured below)

In addition, here is a newspaper article of the time–from May, 1918 (not March)–reporting on the arrest:

You can view or download the scanned images of the 1929 Watchtower here, and see for yourself that I’m not making any of this up.

So, there you have the undeniable evidence before your very eyes: Rutherford stooped to deception in order to fool people into thinking that his arrest was in fulfillment of biblical prophecy!

“Current Understanding”

Today, the Watchtower has reinterpreted the time-period to correspond with the date of Rutherford’s sentencing rather than his arrest. But why would the Bible writers bother to prophesy about any of the events in the life of an egotistical liar?

Even in the “current understanding” the rest of the dates shown in the chart still center around Rutherford: His release; his book-drives (aka “conventions” starting in Cedar Pt. Ohio–which are also interpreted as the pouring out of the great plagues in Revelation); and his changes to the elder arrangement. Surely these were hardly earth-shattering events that needed foretelling nearly two thousand years in advance!

Is it just me, or do you also tend to regard as megalomaniacs individuals who think that they were foretold in the Bible? The Watchtower claims that they made a purposeful effort to move away from “the cult of the personality” (aka “creature worship”) especially in regards to Russell³. But while they may have stopped publishing the significance of the bumps on Russell’s head⁴, the way they continue to elevate Rutherford to cult status by applying prophecies to him, I’m surprised they didn’t assign some sort of prophetic significance to the pattern of his hemorrhoids.

A Little Context, If You Please

But, by all means let’s put these “prophetic explanations” in their proper context by keeping in mind that this is the same organization that prophesied that 1914 would mark the end of the “last days.” But then, after that proved false they reinterpreted their own interpretation to make 1914 the start of the “last days,” and then they had the audacity to claim that they had “consistently prophesied decades in advance that 1914 would be the start of the last days!” (Please see A Jehovah’s Witness Dilemma Part3: Question 9.)

This is the organization that prophesied as a “certainty” that King David and Abraham would be resurrected in the year 1925: a date “more distinctly indicated” than 1914⁵.

This is also the same organization that proclaimed that 1874 marked the end of 6,000 years of man’s existence. Then they later announced that 1975 marked the end of 6,000 years of man’s existence. Do you begin to see a pattern here? What do you think they’ll be saying in regards to the year 2075 in another fifty years or so (assuming anyone’s still listening to them by then, and there’s nothing more interesting competing for their attention such as reruns of Fantasy Island)?

What time is it?

I think it’s about time to stop trusting the Watchtower. What do you think?

Next: You won’t want to miss the final chapter in this series: Part 3, “Killing Time!”

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References (i.e. proof that I’m not making this crap up!)

1. “All True Christians ARE Prophets. The New American Bible correctly states: “Prophet means ‘one who speaks for another,’ especially for God. It does not necessarily mean that he predicts the future!” You will be interested to learn that God has on earth a people, all of whom are prophets, or witnesses for God. In fact, they are known throughout the world as Jehovah’s Witnesses.” —Awake! June 8, 1986 p. 9

2.“Most of the Prophetic arguments which we now use, were used long ago by Second Adventists” — Zion’s Watchtower, July, 1879 Supplement

3.“Progressively, over the years, practices that might have the effect of drawing undue attention to certain humans in connection with the preparation of spiritual food have been eliminated. …all credit is given to Jehovah God.” –Jehovah’s Witnesses-Proclaimers of God’s Kingdom (1993) p. 146

4. A Great Battle in the Ecclesiastical Heavens (1915) p. 55-56

5. “We may confidently expect that 1925 will mark the return of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and the faithful prophets of old … 1925 shall mark the resurrection of the faithful worthies of old and the beginning of the reconstruction…”
–-Millions Now Living May Never Die (1920), pp. 89, 90, 97 [emphasis added]

“The date 1925 is even more distinctly indicated by the Scriptures than 1914.”
—The Watchtower Sept 1, 1922, page 262 [emphasis added]

Next: You won’t want to miss the final chapter in this series: Part 3, “Killing Time!”

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Date References (as seen in the chart and time-line)

Dan 12:7; Rev. 11:3

As March 538 CE – Feb. 15, 1798 CE

“The end of the 1260 period is fixed to Feb. 15th, 1798, beyond all question. Feb. 15th, 538, would be just 1260 years, the period the “abomination of desolation” was to hold “times and laws.” But it is not true that it was “set up,” as early in 538 as Feb. 15th. It was not until March, 538, that the Gothic power was broken, and the exact date of the setting up of “the abomination,” or the woman taking her seat on the beast, was when “the provinces of Italy” embraced the catholic cause.”
—Three Worlds and The Harvest of This World (1877) p. 118
(Though not a Watchtower publication [the Watchtower didn’t exist yet] Russell was co-author of the book, and these dates were held as valid by him until 1889, when the Watchtower was ten years old.)

As 539 CE – 1799

“Twelve hundred and sixty years from 539 A.D. brings us to 1799, which is another proof that 1799 definitely marks the beginning of “the time of the end.” This also shows that it is from the date 539 A.D. that the other prophetic days of Daniel must be counted.” — Creation (1927) 2,175,000 ed. p.293. See also: Studies in the Scriptures VII – The Finished Mystery (1918) p. 173

As July 28, 1914 – early 1918

“The John class had to preach this message for a definitely stated time: 1,260 days, or 42 months, the same length of time that the holy city was to be trampled underfoot. This period seems to be literal, since it is expressed in two different ways, first in months and then in days. Additionally, at the beginning of the Lord’s day, there was a marked period of three and a half years when the hard experiences of God’s people matched the events prophesied here—starting from the outbreak of the first world war in the latter part of 1914 and continuing to the early part of 1918.”
–Revelation – It’s Grand Climax at Hand! (1988) p. 164 (original edition) In later editions, this book was revised to reflect the Dec 1914-June 1918 dates (As shown in The September 2006 Kingdom Ministry insert.)

As Oct 1, 1914 – April 1, 1918

“The Scriptural statement and the physical facts as they are well known to exist are therefore exactly in harmony and show that 1260 days are literal in time and began October 1, 1914, and ended practically the first of April, 1918.” –Watchtower Dec 15, 1929 p. 372

As Oct 4/5, 1914 – March 26/27, 1918

–Then is Finished The Mystery of God p. 332

As Nov, 7, 1914 – May 7, 1918

“Forty-two months of thirty days each, or 1260 days, which is equivalent to three and one-half years solar time, beginning the first week in November, to wit, November 7, 1914, would end on the 7th day of May, 1918. Now note that the Revelation account says: “And when they shall have finished their testimony, the beast … shall overcome them, and kill them.” (Rev. 11: 7) Exactly forty-two months after the publication of the aforementioned “sackcloth” article in The Watchtower, to wit, on the 7th day of May, 1918, all the officers of the Watch Tower Bible and Tract Society, and who were then the publishers of The Watch Tower, were “overcome”, in this, that they were arrested under warrant charging a violation of the espionage law and trading with the enemy, and their work stopped. They were “overcome” by stopping the work that day, and on the 20th day of June thereafter these same officers of the Society were sentenced to eighty years imprisonment and, symbolically speaking, the work of the Society was killed.”–Light I (1930) p. 199

(Note how the dates for the arrest and the sentencing are given as one day earlier here. In his letter from prison, Rutherford had made much of the fact that the sentencing took place at “high noon” on June 21st:

“It was exactly high noon (sun time) Friday, June 21, when the Judge pronounced sentence against the seven brethren, Brother DeCecca’s sentence being deferred for further investigation. This was the longest day of the year, and just at noon the sun reached its zenith.”

This corresponded, in his mind to the sentencing of Jesus during the full moon. He also stated at that time that the “work” would continue unabated:

“THE WATCH TOWER will continue as long as the Lord permits. The Editorial Committee will remain the same, each having a proxy to act for him at the office. Considerable manuscript is on hand and ready for publication. The Vice President and Board of Directors are managing the work at Pittsburgh.”

The work did, in fact, continue: I don’t think a single issue was missed during the imprisonment: hardly what one could honestly call “killing the work.” Talk about rewriting your own history to suit your current needs!)

As Dec 28, 1914 – June 21, 1918

“Hence, from December 1914, this small band of witnesses ‘preached in sackcloth,’ humbly enduring as they announced Jehovah’s judgments. Finally, on June 21, 1918, J. F. Rutherford, the new president, together with the directors of the Watch Tower Bible and Tract Society, was sentenced on false charges to a long term in prison. Thus, at the end of the prophetic period, the ‘little horn’ killed the organized public preaching work.” –Watchtower Nov 1, 1993 pp. 9-10

Dan 12:11

As 539 CE – 1829 CE

“Reckoning from A. D. 539, the 1290 symbolic days ended in 1829, and the 1335 days in the close of 1874.”
—Millennial Dawn, Vol 3: Thy Kingdom Come (1891) p. 84; Studies in the Scriptures VII – The Finished Mystery (1918) pp. 40, 60, 163

As end of Jan, 1919 – beg. of Sept, 1922

“The period of 1290 days (Biblical method of reckoning) is equal to three years and seven months. Counting three years and seven months from and after January, 1919, brings us to the beginning of September, 1922.–Watchtower Dec 15, 1929 p. 374; Watchtower Jul 15, 1951 p. 433

Rev. 12:6

As 539 CE – 1799 CE

“A thousand two hundred and threescore days–1,260 years, from A. D. 539 to 1799.–Rev. 11:2,3.”–Watchtower Mar 1, 1918 p. 119

As March 27, 1919 – Sept. 8, 1922

“…1260 days in the wilderness began March 27, 1919, and the end of that period came September 8, 1922…On March 26, 1919, the imprisoned officers of the Society were released” —Light I (1930) p. 249

As April 13/14, 1919 – Oct 4/5, 1922

–Then is Finished the Mystery of God p. 316; Paradise restored to mankind by Theocracy! p. 379

Daniel 12:12

As 539 CE – 1874 CE

–Creation (1927) 2,175,000 ed. p.298

As beg. Of Sept, 1922 – mid May, 1926

–Watchtower Nov 1, 1993 pp. 10-12

As first half of Sept. 1922 – May 25,1926

–Watchtower Dec 15, 1929 p. 376

Dan 8:14

As 454 BCE – 1846 CE

–Studies in the Scriptures Vol 3: Thy Kingdom Come pp.67,108; Studies in the Scriptures VII – The Finished Mystery (1918) p.163

As May 25, 1926 – Oct 15, 1932

–1975 Yearbook p. 247; Watchtower 1971 p. 711-738

As June 1 or 15, 1938 – Oct. 8 or 22, 1944

–Pay Attention to Daniel’s prophecy pp. 177-179

Next: You won’t want to miss the final chapter in this series: Part 3, “Killing Time!”

Is time your master?

Are you bound to a set schedule? Do you dread the early-morning tyranny of your alarm-clock? Worse: do you find yourself perpetually waiting for someone or something?

I must admit that time is my master. Someday, when I retire, it will be less so. But this seems to be the common lot of humankind: we are all subject to the never flinching dictates of Chronos.

Waiting On Jehovah

The most frustrating experience I’ve had with time was when I was “waiting on Jehovah.” This is something in which Jehovah’s Witnesses excel. I’m not talking about “waiting on” Jehovah in the sense of serving him–as in our cartoon (though Witnesses also imagine they are doing that.) No, when Witnesses speak of “waiting on Jehovah” they really mean “waiting for Jehovah.”

The Watchtower has been waiting for Jehovah to start Armageddon for over a hundred years. At first they even thought that Armageddon had already begun, and would be all over with by 1914¹.

But even earlier they had been waiting on Jehovah (still respectfully called “The Lord” back then.) I wonder how many Witnesses know that Russell and Rutherford journeyed to Jerusalem in 1910: the year they expected that all the “faithful” would be gathered to heaven². The photo below (from the Sept. 1910 Watchtower, page 282–click to enlarge) shows them posing on a fitting spot: the Mount of Olives (where Jesus supposedly ascended into heaven.) This seems to suggest that they were expecting to be carried bodily up into heaven. But Russell was not a believer in a physical “rapture” into heaven (made popular in recent times by other Christian fundamentalists and the Left Behind series of books): he thought the faithful had to die first in order to be “instantly with the Lord.”³

I wonder how long they waited before they dejectedly returned to America; depressed that they were still alive on Earth: their hopes dashed. At least they didn’t take matters into their own hands and kill themselves–as some cults have done en masse in more recent times.

The Watchtower’s impatience with Jehovah’s time-table has been evident in several other mistaken calls of “Here he comes now!” Ranging from the “certainty” of 1925 through the “most likelihood” of 1975, to the not-so subtle hints of a multitude of dates in-between and on both sides. There have been some very good lists of the many dates the Watchtower announced, so there’s no need to replicate this information here.

The Watchtower excuses its prophetic excesses and its indiscreet naming of dates by attributing it to their “eagerness” for God’s kingdom to come⁴. That’s very understandable; when someone is late we begin mentally setting times for their arrival: “Let’s see, Godot said he’d be here by now. I’ll give him another ten minutes: surely he’ll be here by then…” After ten minutes go by, one is tempted to extend it another ten minutes, and this process can be repeated ad infinitum (though a sensible person will at some point come to the realization that whoever they’re waiting for is simply not coming.)

Vindication!

Of course, the Witnesses have not just been killing time while waiting for the killing time of Armageddon. They’ve been busy preaching about the end being near. They’ve also been preaching the “vindication of Jehovah’s name.” How do they do that?

In Watchtower theology, God has “permitted evil” for a time, in order to “vindicate his name” by proving just how bad things can get on this planet without his leadership. How did such a strange turn of events transpire? You may well ask. It seems Jehovah got offended when Eve listened to a talking serpent rather than His Lordship. So he went off in a huff, saying in effect: “All righty, then: you can all have Satan for your leader, and we’ll just see how well that goes for you!” Then he chuckled to himself all the way back to his bed of chubby cherubs in the clouds, where he’s been resting ever since (except for occasional temper tantrums resulting in the hurling of fire and boulders, and the visiting upon us of deadly plagues, pestilence, and rap music.)

Basically: God has given humankind a “time-out” in which we have been left to squabble amongst ourselves. But he didn’t just make us go sit in the corner or go to our rooms. No; like Elvis, he has “left the building,” and locked us in with only a mischievous slithering serpent for a baby-sitter!

In consequence, some of us have said some bad things about Jehovah, which has just served to piss him off all the more. So now, when he comes back he’s coming back with his son: General Jesus along with his army! They’re going to hack to pieces the serpent, and all of us bad boys and girls who haven’t joined in praising him during his absence by singing those inane songs in the Kingdom Songbook. Then the good boys and girls will get to live under his leadership [won’t they be happy!?]

As every Witness knows, it was in the year 1914 that Jesus was crowned King of Heaven–which, of course also made him head of the angelic army. So, why didn’t he march in and start lopping off limbs and heads? It has been 99 years and counting! What is he waiting for?

The answer, of course, is that he’s waiting on Jehovah: just like the rest of us.

Vindication?

So, it’s all just a matter of time before Jehovah (and the Watchtower) is vindicated. Right? Well, not so fast: Can time really vindicate the deliberate permission of evil? I’m going to say No here. Here’s why: Nothing can justify the deliberate permission of evil, not even time.

Let’s do a little thought experiment. Let’s say that you see the following scene unfolding at your nearest public park: A huge, uniformed police officer, built like Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime, with a fully loaded duty-belt consisting of: taser, pistol, baton, handcuffs, etc., calmly walks over to a park-bench, sits himself down, and yawns.

“So what?” You say. Well I left out an important detail: on his way to his favorite bench this police officer walked right past a woman being raped. The woman is now being strangled to death by her attacker as the officer sits there nonchalantly watching whilst munching on his Twinkies.

You shout out to him: “Hey! Do something to stop this! Help her; he’s killing her!”

The officer frowns at you and points at his watch: “I’m still on my break for another ten minutes.”

When someone sees evil and has the power to stop it, but does nothing to stop it (using “time” or any other excuse) that person is not “all good” or “loving.” Quite the opposite. So time cannot vindicate an all-seeing all-powerful God’s permission of evil.

Who, then is the ALL Mighty One?

Our philosophically-minded readers will contend that, within our physical universe, God is subject to time just as much as the rest of us, and so is as “good” as this limitation allows him to be.

But I thought Jehovah God was supposed to be the only true God: the all-powerful master of the universe. How can time (as personified by the Greek God Chronos) be Jehovah’s master? Something is very wrong here: right at the very core of the Watchtower theology! If Jehovah is “subject” to time, then he’s not at the top of the heap of Gods; Chronos is! Have Witnesses been worshiping the wrong God all this time? We’d better hurry and make up for lost time: let’s all sing along:

 

 

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References

1. “Be not surprised, then, when in subsequent chapters we present proofs that the setting up of the Kingdom of God is already begun, that it is pointed out in prophecy as due to begin the exercise of power in A. D. 1878, and that the “battle of the great day of God Almighty” (Rev. 16:14.), which will end in A. D.1914 with the complete overthrow
of earth’s present rulership, is already commenced.”–Studies in the Scriptures (aka Millennial Dawn) Vol. 2: The Time Is at Hand, (1902 ed.), p. 101 [Changed from “A.D. 1914” to “A.D. 1915” in the 1911 edition, and remained at “A.D. 1915” even in the 1927 edition, which anyone should’ve been able to see as a false statement in retrospect: yet the Witnesses continued bringing this lie door-to-door in their never-ending task of “spreading the truth!”]

2. “…we may well accept as correct the testimony of the Great Pyramid, that the last members of the “body” or “bride” of Christ will have been tested and accepted and will have passed beyond the vail before the close of A. D. 1910.” [sic]
Studies in the Scriptures Vol III: Thy Kingdom Come (1898 ed.) p. 364

3. “They die as men and like men, but in the same instant they are made like their Lord, glorious spirit beings. They are caught away from earthly conditions, to be forever with the Lord-“in the air “-in Kingdom power and glory.”
Studies in the Scriptures Vol III: Thy Kingdom Come (1898 ed.) p. 240

4. “In modern times such eagerness, commendable in itself, has led to attempts at setting dates for the desired liberation from the suffering and troubles that are the lot of persons throughout the earth. With the appearance of the book Life Everlasting—in Freedom of the Sons of God, and its comments as to how appropriate it would be for the millennial reign of Christ to parallel the seventh millennium of man’s existence, considerable expectation was aroused regarding the year 1975. There were statements made then, and thereafter, stressing that this was only a possibility. Unfortunately, however, along with such cautionary information, there were other statements published that implied that such realization of hopes by that year was more of a probability than a mere possibility. It is to be regretted that these latter statements apparently overshadowed the cautionary ones and contributed to a buildup of the expectation already initiated.” –Watchtower March 15, 1980, p. 17

As you no doubt know, Jehovah rarely grants interviews. It has been about two thousand years since he spoke (other than to the Pope and the Governing Body, of course). So, when he speaks to an underling like me it’s a very special occurrence!

Like Paul, I don’t know if the experience I’m about to relate was a dream or a vision–in the body or out. I’m not sure it matters [or if there’s really a difference.] But, believe it or not, I was granted one of those rare interviews, and I knew my visitors would be interested to know what was said.

I was informed ahead of time that there would only be one answer to each question. No matter how cryptic the answer might be, I was not to ask for further clarification. So I decided, in the limited time allotted, to ask all of the hard-hitting questions that I think most of us would want answers to. [Though, regrettably I didn’t have time to ask: “Boxers or briefs?”]

What follows is an exact transcript.

Steve: Was Jesus you?

YHWH: Everyone is me.

Steve: Was he your son?

YHWH: You are all God’s children.

Steve: But what about being “only-begotten?”

YHWH: That would contradict what I just said, wouldn’t it. You’d have to ask the author of that statement why he wrote that.

Steve: But didn’t you inspire that to be written, along with the rest of the Bible?

YHWH: I inspire everything: the good and the evil: the truth and the lies.

Steve: Is there a fiery hell where sinners burn forever after death?

YHWH: (Laughs)

Steve: So, what do you think of the Jehovah’s Witnesses?

YHWH: The what?

Steve: Is there one true religion?

YHWH: Religion is something insecure people have dreamed up to soothe their fears of the unknown. To each one of them their religion has subjective truth as long as they don’t think in a broader context. It’s a type of mental illness, actually.

Steve: Who, then, is that faithful and discreet slave whom his master appoints over all his belongings?

YHWH: I thought you’d figured out by now that slavery is immoral.

Steve: Are you soon going to kill everyone who isn’t a Jehovah’s Witness?

YHWH: Who isn’t a what?

Steve: Are only Christians saved?

YHWH: Saved from what?

Steve: Saved from God’s wrath against sin.

YHWH: Look, the only thing people need to be saved from is their own wrath against each other and against themselves–usually fostered by religion and patriotism: the most divisive forces in history.

Steve: What about belief in Jesus, the Bible, baptism, joining your organization on Earth, spreading the good news, turning in time reports, attending meetings and conventions?

YHWH: People will believe whatever seems best to them given their culture, personality, and emotional needs. I personally don’t care what they believe: it only matters what they do: how they treat each other.

Steve: What about shunning a friend or family member who comes to believe differently than we do?

YHWH: That would be a good example of–what did you call it–oh yes: a “sin.”

Steve: But doesn’t the Bible say to shun them?

YHWH: More or less.

Steve: And didn’t you inspire the Bible to be written that way?

YHWH: I inspire everything: the good and the evil: the truth and the lies.

Steve: What about abstaining from blood?

YHWH: What did I say about treating each other well?

Steve: Did man get here by evolution or by creation?

YHWH: If you’re going to ask scientific questions then instead of asking me you need to be true to that method and follow where the evidence leads.

Steve: So, what does the future hold for us? Is there life after death, will there be a resurrection of the righteous and the unrighteous?

YHWH: I’m not a fortune-teller. If I knew the future you would have no freewill, and then–according to your Bible–you’d never have gotten into this whole mess to begin with. But as to this notion of “life after death”–isn’t that an oxymoron?

Steve: Can you create an object so heavy that you can’t lift it?

YHWH: (Laughs) That’s one of those paradoxes your finite human minds run up against when you try to imagine something with infinite attributes.

Steve: So you can’t answer the question?

YHWH: No.

Steve: So answering that question is something you can’t do?

YHWH: Correct.

Steve: Then it’s not true that you can do everything?

YHWH: In your finite minds I can only appear finite upon rational examination.

Steve: Are there infinite minds, and do you have one?

YHWH: Since you can’t conceive of “infinite minds” (other than as a meaningless label) it’s not possible to give you an answer that you could comprehend.

Steve: So, should we just forget about you and go about our business “treating each other well”?

YHWH: Of course. If I existed, it would be just the same as if I didn’t. So, live your lives accordingly. An infinite being could never need placating by finite beings. So don’t worry about pleasing me. Please each other.

A famous wit was once asked if he believed in having sex before marriage. “Yes,” he replied, “I believe everyone should be male or female prior to marriage.”

But when we refer to sex we typically mean much more than just possessing gender. We mean sexual relations between people, or even with oneself in the case of masturbation. [We should also note that the famous wit’s witticism unfairly excludes hermaphrodites.]

They say that authors should write what they know about and have a lot of experience with. According to that formula, if you were to compile a list of of authors who were qualified to write about sex, my name would regrettably appear close to the bottom. But, that’s alright; I’m not going to discuss my own sexual experiences here. This is due not only to an appalling lack of material, but also because it is irrelevant to the real topic under discussion: the Watchtower’s view of sex.

 

The Bible’s view of sex vs. the Watchtower’s view

What do you think the Watchtower would say about a man who was a bi-sexual polygamist, liked to dance around naked, and had many mistresses? I think we can all agree that an individual exhibiting such behavior would be quickly disfellowshipped for “conduct unbecoming.” Yet the man I’m describing is one of the most revered men in the Bible: King David! (1Sam 20:41; 25:43; 2Sam 5:13; 6:20)

What about an incestuous bigamist who, like the modern day Arnold Schwarzenegger, had sex with his wives’ maids? This is the Bible’s account of Jacob, whom God renamed Israel and “blessed abundantly.” (Gen:29:30; Gen:30:4; Gen:30:9; Gen:35:9-12).

Judah, one of Israel’s sons, was another prominent figure in the Bible. He had sex with a prostitute (just like the modern-day actor Hugh Grant did. Isn’t it odd how we’re quick to condemn the “celebrities” of today for the same actions of the “great men” of the Bible?) But Judah was a real piece of work: in the best tradition of hypocritical double-standards, he then sought to burn his daughter-in-law alive for having “played the whore” by becoming pregnant after her husband had died. In the end, Judah only refrained from the horrific murder of his daughter-in-law when he discovered that she was the prostitute he’d had sex with, and he himself was the father of her unborn twins! No, it’s not a storyline from a daytime soap-opera or trashy novel; it’s Genesis chapter 38.

So, is it really a sin worthy of disfellowshipping for a person to have more than one wife, to have mistresses, or to have sex with ones maids? Is it a sin to have sex with a prostitute? Well, Israel is honored in the Bible (in fact he’s known as one of the “heroes of the Bible” by today’s Christians, and the highest level a JW can attain to is to be a “spiritual Israelite”) so it doesn’t seem to have tarnished his reputation any. Also, we can ask: would God order someone to commit a sin? Well, the prophet Hosea was ordered by God to marry (i.e. have sex with) a prostitute (Hosea 1:2-3).

The Bible tells us that King Solomon was the wisest man who ever lived or ever will live (1Kgs 3:12) [which makes us wonder about how dumb Jesus must’ve been in comparison.] In all his wisdom what did Solomon do? He had 700 wives and 300 concubines. (1Kgs 11:3) That means he could have a different sexual partner every night and not see the same woman twice in over two and a half years! But he probably indulged in more than one woman at a time (just imagine all of the possible permutations!)

Solomon also wrote, in his “wisdom literature:” “Has one found a [good] wife? One has found a good thing, and one gets goodwill from Jehovah.” (Prov. 18:22) And: “Rejoice with the wife of your youth… Let her own breasts intoxicate you at all times. With her love may you be in an ecstasy constantly.” (Prov. 5:18-19)

 

Then, along came Paul (and then, maybe Jesus)

Saul/Paul, a true misogynist, said it was better never to touch a woman, and that it’s better not to get married. (1 Corinthians 7:1,8) Afterward, the creators of Jesus’ biographies had him extol the virtues of self-castration! (MT 19:12) So much for the wisdom of Solomon’s “constant ecstasy!” On the other hand, Jesus reputedly performed a miracle just to help a couple celebrate their wedding. (John 2:1-11) One would surmise from that action that he wasn’t entirely against the idea of men and women coming together and doing what’s necessary to bring about children.

Despite these minority opinions of Paul and the creators of the Gospels’ Jesus, the Bible seems to tolerate — if not outright advocate — a healthy indulgence of ones sexual appetite.

 

The View from the Watchtower

The Watchtower has always taken a hard-line stance against sexual activity, even though Rutherford is known to have had at least two mistresses in addition to a wife (though he was separated from the latter.)

The Watchtower is against premarital sex, bisexuality, homosexuality, and masturbation. They frown upon unmarried couples kissing or even holding hands. You’re not even supposed to “date” an individual unless you’re seriously considering them as a marriage partner. They have also been against certain private sexual practices between a husband and wife, though I’m told they’ve changed their minds on this more than once¹ [Interesting how, on their own authority, they can change a practice from being a sin to being acceptable. All the while the Bible continues to say the same things it has said for centuries. It should’ve been a fairly simple matter to read the Bible and see that it contains no such prohibitions before blurting out opinions that ruin people’s lives.]

 

The Reality

Somehow we came by these hormones which drive our sexual desire. [I recall mine fully raging out of control by the age of 14.] The WT would credit the creation of these hormones to Jehovah. So, according to the WT logic, Jehovah gives us these desires and then demands that we not act on them: at least not for several years until we’re of marriageable age and have, in fact, “tied the knot.” This tends to force young people into either marrying before it is economically feasible for them (and then suffering a life of poverty), or into “giving in” to their desires and suffering the consequent Watchtower-imposed guilt. I suspect most of them secretly practice masturbation as the most innocuous and only livable solution to the challenge of simultaneously being human and a Jehovah’s Witness. [I know I did.]

 

The Watchtower: Out of Bounds

“Do not go beyond the things that are written,” The Bible tells us (1 Corinthians 4:6) — and it didn’t mean the things that are written in the Watchtower. The Bible does not contain any writings about masturbation, nor does it condemn any sexual practices between married couples.²

Paul may have been a homophobe, but it doesn’t appear that anyone else mentioned in the Bible was. The Song of Solomon sings the praises of homosexuality, and despite his many wives and concubines, King David’s favorite lover was a man named Jonathan. (2Sam 1:26)

Yes, there’s that prohibition in Lev. 18:22, but as all Christians will tell us when we point out other absurd laws in the Hebrew Scriptures: “The old law passed away.”

Consequently, the WT has no business pontificating on these practices. When they declare that such practices are “sinful” They are the ones violating a Bible principle: by going beyond the things that are written.

 

“Why do you not decide for yourself what is right?” (Luke 12:57)

It is your duty and responsibility as a human being to decide for yourself what is appropriate sexual behavior for you. Such decisions, of course should give sufficient consideration to how your actions affect others — just as all of your decisions should. You must be guided by empathy in such matters where others are involved, and it goes without saying that it must always be completely uncoerced, consensual, and between adults.

Now, please don’t misunderstand me; I’m not advocating that JW’s go out and enjoy all of the sexual activity they possibly can with complete abandon like oversexed bunny rabbits. For one thing: I certainly don’t want to be held responsible for breeding more JW’s! But more importantly, in a civilized society there must be some constraints to our desires. Fulfilling such desires should not be our top priority, and when we do fulfill them we need to do so in a respectful, safe manner with our eyes wide open to the consequences of our actions to everyone involved.

Discipline isn’t a bad thing. But neither is sexual activity properly self-regulated. I emphasized “self” very deliberately in the preceding sentence; the WT has no right poking its nose — or any other appendage — into our bedrooms [or into our kitchens, stairways, or the back-seats of our vehicles — for the more adventurous amongst us.] It’s especially ironic and hypocritical of them when you consider the pedophilia they allow to take place.

The reason you exist is that sex is pleasurable. Otherwise, your mother and father would never have “done the deed.” Somewhere along the line people would’ve gotten bored with procreation and the burdens entailed by caring for the young that are produced thereby [I’m speaking of that long dark period of human history before the invention of condoms.] It’s a really good thing that sex is pleasurable, otherwise we wouldn’t be here, and neither would the Governing Body be here telling us to live our lives in denial of our nature — hmmm, I guess there’s pros and cons to everything.

 

God, Love, and Sex

Sex is not love, neither is God love (in spite of what 1John 4:8 claims.)
Love is a whole other subject for discussion in a future article. For now I only want to point out that love should not be confused with God or with sex. Love is not that mass-murdering egotistical moron masquerading as “God” in the Bible. Nor is it the physical pleasures of sexual activity. You can have sex without love (which I imagine is fun and exciting for a time, but ultimately shallow). You can also have love without sex (ask anyone who’s been married ten years or more.)

But when love and sex come together in your life: well, it doesn’t get much better than that. It would be one of the greatest mistakes of your life to permit the Watchtower to interfere with such happiness in any way shape or form; they have no reason, no authority, and no clue.

 

Notes:

¹ “Nevertheless, if future cases of gross unnatural conduct, such as the practice of oral or anal copulation, are brought to their attention, the elders should act to try to correct the situation before further harm results, as they would do with any other serious wrong. Their concern is, of course, to try to help those who go astray and are ‘caught in the snare of the Devil.’ (2 Tim. 2:26) But if persons willfully show disrespect for Jehovah God’s marital arrangements, then it becomes necessary to remove them from the congregation as dangerous “leaven” that could contaminate others.” (Watchtower 12/1/1972 p.734-736)
“A careful further weighing of [oral sex], however, convinces us that, in view of the absence of clear Scriptural instruction, these are matters for which the married couple themselves must bear the responsibility before God” (Watchtower, 2/15/1978)

[Why hadn’t they done a “careful weighing” back in 1972 before opening their discreet mouths?]
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² “It must be acknowledged that the Bible does not give any specific rules or limitations as regards the manner in which husband and wife engage in sexual relations.” (Watchtower 2/15/1978 p.30-31)

[Which is exactly what Witnesses were trying to tell the Watchtower prior to 1978, and no doubt being disfellowshipped for their efforts.]
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