The New and Improved 80 Questions!

An RCL Exclusive!

A visitor reported finding the following in the trash container outside of Bethel. It appears to be a printer’s proof of a yet-to-be-released revision to the Organization book, with a new set of baptism questions (the infamous “80 questions” that baptismal candidates must answer before a group of elders). It is designated as the Elder’s Administration Guide with Answers. I have faithfully transcribed it here, but I hid the answers under links so that you can take a shot at answering the questions before looking at the answers (some of which may surprise you). Unfortunately, we don’t have the full set of 80. If anyone out there can dig up the missing pages I will publish them here. Otherwise, if you have any suggestions for new questions I’m sure the Society would be glad to have our input, so feel free to post them here.

Question 1. Is “Jehovah” the correct name of God?

Answer

Question 2. Does the name “Jehovah” or the Tetragrammaton appear anywhere in the Greek Scriptures?

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Question 3. What is the punishment God metes out for adding to or taking away from the words of his law?

Answer

Question 4. Since “Jesus set the example of how to worship” is it appropriate for Christians to address God by name when Jesus never referred to him by name, but always referred to him as “father”?

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Question 5. Prior to eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil Adam and Eve did not know right from wrong. Was it fair to punish them for doing something they couldn’t know was wrong?

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Question 6. How many of each animal did Noah bring onto the ark, and how long did he have in which to collect them?

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Question 7. Who slew the giant Goliath?

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Question 8. Identify the source for the 607 BCE date of Jerusalem’s destruction.

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Question 9. Name the three nights between Friday evening and Sunday morning.

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Question 10. What color was Jesus’ robe?

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Question 11. Challenge Question: Since God’s inspired word states that “the son shall not bear the sin of the father” why was the Ransom Sacrifice needed?

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Question 12. Since the Bible records instances of God forgiving sins without the shedding of blood, why was the ransom sacrifice needed?

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Question 13. God cares about every sparrow, yet he instituted a massive system of animal sacrifices when he knew that such sacrifices would not induce him to forgiveness. Explain.

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Question 14. Why did God choose Abraham and bless his children, when Abraham had married his half-sister (which God told Moses was a sin worthy of a curse)?

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Question 15. If a woman is raped and she fails to scream, is she guilty of fornication?

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Question 16. What organization has “abolished hatred”?

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Question 17. Who are the “mentally diseased” wicked ones that Jehovah’s people are required to hate?

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Question 18. Vocabulary Definition: What is “a stack of bones and a hank of hair”?

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Question 19. What would Rutherford be disfellowshipped for today?

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Question 20. What was the fulfillment of the Great Plagues of Revelation?

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Question 21. Heritage Question: What was the name of Rutherford’s second mistress?

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Question 22. Name one of the “magical arts” most prevalent in today’s world.

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Question 23. Vocabulary Definition: What did the faithful and discreet slave identify as “filthy pus that never saved a life”?

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Question 24. Since blood transfusions are “a matter of personal conscience” does that mean there are no consequences for accepting one?

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Question 25. Since the Bible’s prohibition on blood stems from the command to pour an animal’s blood on the ground, why are Jehovah’s people permitted transfusions of cow’s blood?

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Question 26. Heritage Question: What did the “faithful and discreet slave” identify as “cannibalism” and “against God’s law”?

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Question 27. Follow-up Question: How did the above “faithful and discreet” ruling affect certain individuals?

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Question 28. Witnesses who accepted organ transplants during the time when the society said they were against God’s law, and who later died: will they be resurrected?

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Question 29. If the above Witnesses didn’t die, were they accepted back into the organization with open arms and an apology once the ruling changed?

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Question 30. How were those who lost loved ones recompensed after the organ-transplant ruling was changed?

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Question 31. What is a cult?

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Question 32. Witnesses who needed organ transplants but who died obeying the Society’s pronouncement that transplants were against God’s law are praised for “putting the kingdom first”. Since we now know that this wasn’t really a law of God’s kingdom, what did they really put first?

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Question 33. Are Jehovah’s Witnesses a cult?

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Question 34. Since our Lord said that “nothing that enters into a man can defile him,” how does a blood transfusion defile a Christian?

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Question 35. Inferring Biblical Principles: When accused of breaking the Sabbath law, Jesus referred to David’s breaking the law when he and his starving men ate the sacred showbread. And Jesus concluded: “The law was made for man, not man for the law.” What principle does this suggest to you?

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Question 36. Follow-up Question: If an unbeliever then asked you to follow the above Bible Principle and save your son or daughter’s life by giving them life-saving blood, how would you reply?

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Question 37. Inferring Society Principles: Why is it okay to take a siesta but not to celebrate a birthday?

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Question 38. What institution is the Image of the Wild Beast?

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Question 39. What is the fate of that institution and its members?

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Question 40. Name the most important former associate-member of the United Nations.

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Question 41. Who is God’s prophet in modern times?

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Question 42. Challenge Question: Since we were “more certain” of our prophecy concerning the resurrection of the “Ancient Worthies” in 1925 than we were about 1914, and since the 1925 prophecy proved false, what does that say about 1914?

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Question 43. What is the definition of a false prophet?

Answer

Question 44. Is the society a false prophet?

(Answer missing along with questions 45-80. But if you’ve come this far you can answer this question yourself.)


Something’s Certain

(Note: Be sure to click on the footnote links to understand the relevance of this story. They’re the tiny blue numbers that are easy to miss.)

A visitor relates:

In my imaginary idyllic childhood I had a friend named Dave. swimmingWe used to go swimming on hot summer evenings in a creek about three miles from our neighborhood. Then we’d lie on the bank and allow the sun to dry us off. In that relaxing, lazy time, with the warm sun beating down on us, we’d stare up into the sky, watch the clouds roll by, and philosophize until the sun was going down.

I well remember one of these pastoral occasions when Dave said, “At 19 hundred hours and 25 minutes (that’s 7:25 pm for you dummies who can’t tell military time)Lightning bolt lightning will strike the cemetery across the way, and your Uncle Pete will be blasted out of his grave, swim over to us and say “Hi, y’all!” 1

I laughed, but he looked serious. “Are you sure?” I asked.

“No doubt whatever,”2 he replied confidently. “I am more certain of this than of the September 5th date.”3

Dave had convinced me the previous year that September 5th would be the end of the world.4 That date had come and gone with the world still going strong, End of the worldbut Dave explained to me that it was due to Eve being created a longer time after Adam than he thought.5Adam and Eve I wasn’t sure how he made the connection. Still, he assured me that the end would come “any day now”. Most likely it would be September 5th of next year.

“Look,” he told me, “we have more reason to believe that your uncle is about to be resurrected than Noah had for believing the flood was imminent.”6
Noah

“Okay, what time is it now?” I asked.

“It’ll be 19:25 in sixty seconds, starting… Now!” he said, and we both began counting: “One one-thousand, two one-thousand…” until we came to
“sixty one-thousand,” and held our breath.

Nothing.

I looked over at Dave expectantly.

“Well,” he said after swallowing his disappointment, “I’m sure there was a lightning strike somewhere in the world just then.”

“No doubt whatever,” I agreed, but echoing his previous words evidently sounded sarcastic to him.

“It’s not my fault if what I stated as a probability you took for a certainty,”7 he said petulantly.

“But you said–”

“Never mind what I said,” he barked. “you read more into it because you selfishly wanted to see your uncle.”8

“I don’t think that’s fair,” I told him.

“Not fair?” He yelled, standing up and quickly dressing. “Listen: I’m a prophet9, and there’s lots of my friends who recognize that. They don’t harp on my human imperfections when I deliver the word of God to them. Where is your loyalty? After all, who was it that gave you the truth about the end of the world?”

“You did,” I meekly acknowledged.

“Very well, then,” he said, “Now prove your loyalty and repeat after me: ‘It was a probability, and I selfishly mistook it for a certainty.'”

“That would be a lie,” I told him.

Dave was a bit of a bully and by now had me in a half-nelson. Half nelson“Repeat it!” he demanded. But instead of repeating what he’d said I called him a liar. He released his hold and shoved me to the ground. “Then be destroyed with the rest of the world!” he cried. “You’d better not tell anybody about this, ’cause it never happened. I’m going to tell all our friends to hate you and to stop talking to you because you’ve got a mental disease that makes everything you say a lie.”10

With that, he hopped on his bike and sped off, yelling back at me: “The ravens will soon be pecking out your eyeballs! I can’t wait to rejoice at that sight!”11

It was our last swim together.

witnessingI didn’t know what a Jehovah’s Witness was back then.
I found out a few weeks later when Dave and his father knocked on our door, Watchtowers in hand.


— Footnotes —
1 We may confidently expect that 1925 will mark the return of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and the faithful prophets of old … 1925 shall mark the resurrection of the faithful worthies of old and the beginning of the reconstruction…
(Millions Now Living May Never Die, pp. 89, 90, 97 – WBTS) return

2 We have no doubt whatever in regard to the chronology relating to the dates of 1874, 1914, 1918, and 1925.
(Watchtower 1922 p. 147) return

3 The date 1925 is even more distinctly indicated by the Scriptures than 1914.
(The Watchtower 9/1/22, page 262) return

4 September 5th, 1975 was the dateConquer the world in the 70's mentioned by then Watchtower vice-president Fred Franz in a talk entitled “What is the Significance of 1975?” delivered at conventions held that year. return

5 Another speaker, F. W. Franz, the Society’s vice-president, forcefully impressed on the audience the urgency of the Christian preaching work.
He stressed that, according to dependable Bible chronology, 6,000 years of human history will end this coming September according to the lunar calendar. This coincides with a time when “the human species [is] about to starve itself to death,” as well as its being faced with poisoning by pollution and destruction by nuclear weapons. Franz added: “There’s no basis for believing that mankind, faced with what it now faces, can exist for the seventh thousand-year period” under the present system of things. Does this mean that we know exactly when God will destroy this old system and establish a new one? Franz showed that we do not, for we do not know how short was the time interval between Adam’s creation and the creation of Eve, at which point God’s rest day of seven thousand years began. (Heb. 4:3, 4)
But, he pointed out, “we should not think that this year of 1975 is of no significance to us,” for the Bible proves that Jehovah is “the greatest chronologist” and “we have the anchor date, 1914, marking the end of the Gentile Times.” So, he continued, “we are filled with anticipation for the near future, for our generation.”—Matt. 24:34.
— Watchtower 5/1/1975, p.285 return

6 Our thought is, that 1925 is definitely settled by the Scriptures. As to Noah, the Christian now has much more upon which to base his faith than Noah had upon which to base his faith in a coming deluge.
(The Watchtower, 4/1/23, page 106) return

7 1925 was a sad year for many brothers, some of them were stumbled; their hopes were dashed. They had hoped to see some of the ancient worthies resurrected. Instead of being a “probability” they read into it that it was a “certainty.”
(1975 Yearbook, p. 146) return

8 The end of 1925 is about here. Some had expected to see the work of the church in the flesh completed this year. Probably this expectation has been induced somewhat by the desire to end earth’s journey of toil and to sit at ease in glory. If so, then is there not a measure of selfishness in such a desire and expectation?
(Watchtower 1925, p. 259) return

9 This “prophet” was not one man, but was a body of men and women. It was the small group of footstep followers of Jesus Christ, known at that time as International Bible Students. Today they are known as Jehovah’s Christian witnesses.
(Watchtower 1972 April 1 p.197 ‘They Shall Know that a Prophet Was Among Them’) return

10 Well, apostates are ‘mentally diseased’, and they seek to infect others with their disloyal teachings
– Watchtower, 7/15/2011
You have seen the benefit of godly love, but do you know how to hate? …These very strong words are an expression of godly hate, and you too must have this quality to be pleasing to God. Hate causes a feeling of disgust to well up inside you. You loathe, abhor, despise the object of your hatred.
– Watchtower 7/15/1974 p.442) return

11 This feast for the birds of every sort and for the wild beasts is called a “sacrifice” by Jehovah, for sacrifices made to him in pre-Christian times called for the slaughter of animal and bird victims. Their blood has to flow. In Revelation 19:17 it is called “the great evening meal of God.” The fact that Jehovah leaves the bodies of those slain… lying exposed on the ground for birds and wild beasts to gorge themselves upon symbolizes that they will not be laid in respected memorial tombs in hope of a resurrection for them. The unburied dead, “those slain by Jehovah,” will be so enormously many that even the carrion birds and scavenging wild beasts could never take care of their consumption…
‘How horrible all this!’ Should that be our reaction of mind toward this prophecy…? Not rightly so!
… rejoice at the fiery destruction that proceeded from Jehovah’s celestial chariot against hypocritical Christendom and all the rest of Babylon the Great. Surely all of us want to be on the side of those who rejoice when that occurs.
— The Nations Shall Know That I Am Jehovah – How? (Watchtower Bible & Tract Society, 1971, p. 191,376-377) return


[Not] I, Robot

I, Robot

by “The Black Sheep”

Modern Times posterIn one of Charlie Chaplin’s cinematic masterpieces, Modern Times, there is a scene in which a salesman mutely enters the room, sets up a gramophone, and plays a pre-recorded speech about his product (a hilarious automated feeding machine for factory workers).

Chaplin’s film depicted the dehumanizing influence of an increasingly mechanized society. The “little tramp” was reduced to a cog in theChaplin stuck in machine wheel of industry: not much more than a machine himself as he labored on the assembly line with repeated motions that took an effort for him to stop even after he left the line to take an all too brief break.assembly line

When I first saw that movie, can you guess what it reminded me of (especially since I had recently resigned as a Bethel factory worker)? I had felt the same way as a Jehovah’s Witness.

jw phonographThe gramophone scene in particular reminded me of how in the old days the Witnesses had used them at the doors: they would carry gramophones with them and play records of Rutherford’s speeches.

Phonograph demo

Now, despite Chaplin’s movie (which was semi-silent by design), I doubt that many (or any) salesmen in the world outside of the Witnesses actually used such a selling approach. Salesmen want to be personable, and presenting a canned speech is anything but. So why did Rutherford have his Witnesses do this odd thing? I think this question is worth asking as it makes obvious what the Watchtower wants from its workers Witnesses.

Rutherford wanted his words: his exact words presented to the world. Radio was his favorite medium, but with radio he couldn’t thrust one of his books under a listener’s nose. This was one thing he needed from his cohorts Witnesses. If he could have trained monkeys to do the work service I’m sure that would’ve been even better in his estimation. A machine was delivering his message, and if he could’ve found a machine that would cart around the gramophone that would’ve been best (in fact he did just that with “sound cars”.)Sound truck

 

 

 

In short, the Witnesses were just impersonal devices to him: machines. In a word: “robots”.

Eventually, the Society wised up and started training its people to speak, so that soon they were parroting the words of their masters governing body. Thus emerged the Theocratic Ministry School in which they learned the canned speeches by heart, right down to the “use of gestures”. However, at its core “going out in service” is still very much a robotic activity.

Which puts me in mind of something else smacking of artificial intelligence: The Watchtower Study meeting. Every Sunday I would attend this dreadful meeting where we would read a paragraph out of the latest Watchtower magazine,Watchtower magazine then ask the canned question out of the Watchtower magazine, and then read the answer out of the same paragraph we had just read in the Watchtower magazine. To make it even more mindless, we would’ve “studied” this article on our own (or in groups) prior to the meeting. “Studying it” meant underlining or highlighting the answer in the paragraph for the questions asked at the bottom of the page. To eliminate the unnecessary firing of any neurons, each question even referred to the numbered paragraph that contained the answer. So then at the Hall it was a no-brainer; everyone had the same answers previouslyAn underlined study article in the Watchtower emphasized in their magazine, ready to be read out when called upon.

Of course we were encouraged to phrase the canned answer “in our own words”. The attempts at paraphrasing were typically pathetic: mostly consisting of incorporating the phrase “a blessing from Jehovah” in there somehow.

Looking back, it gives me a good laugh now. But how anyone could’ve looked upon this as an enjoyable, edifying way to spend an hour has always been beyond my comprehension.

To add further insult to any shred of intelligence remaining, when I was at Bethel we had an additional mandatory Watchtower Study meeting every Monday night to prepare us with “role-model answers” to give at the following Sunday meetings in our individual congregations. This meant that we would go over the article at least three times! The articles themselves, of course, were mostly just a rehash of things we’d all read too many times before. Can you say “brainwashing”?

The Tuesday night “Book Study” meeting was conducted in the same manner. Compare that to a real-world book discussion group in which people read the same book and then come up with their own opinions and ask their own questions. Now do you begin to see how mind-controlling the Witness meetings are?

Once, I was left with oversight of a bunch of JW children for an hour or so. Their parents had asked me to conduct a book study with them from the “Great Teacher” book.Listening to the Great Teacher book Instead of doing this in the usual way, which I assumed would be too boring for any child, I quickly read the chapter over to myself and then told them the story and asked them my own questions about it. I was about 3/4 of the way through this process of actual discussion with them when one of the kids said, “Can we please start the book study before we have to go?” They hadn’t caught on that we were going over the lesson in a different, more natural way. They wanted the routine they were used to: rote answers to canned questions. I realized it was already too late for them, so they all took out their books and we followed the standard procedure. It saddened me to see children already so inflexible.

When I was a Witness I thought that giving us the answers was pointless. Looking back now, that doesn’t bother me nearly as much as the fact that they gave us the questions! Maybe that’s what they are referring to when they say they “encourage questions”! Why bother questioning anything yourself when the Watchtower has already taken the trouble to provide you with the questions you should be asking, along with the convenient answers at your fingertips? The problem is: the supplied questions are never the vital ones that a Witness should be asking.

In the opening scene of Modern Times we see a flock of sheep being herded through a corral. This scene then dissolves into a crowd of people rushing off to work.

sheepgreat crowd

Besides noting the perfect metaphor for the Witnesses (who picture themselves as sheep as opposed to the “worldly goats”), I want you to take particular notice of the black sheep in that flock. factory danceThe “little tramp” regained his humanity when he broke free as an individual. Initially dancing around the factory and creating mayhem as he ran amok; eventually becoming the hero of his own life as he went on to find meaning, hope, and love.

When I was a Witness, I was a sheep, but at least I was a black sheep. I largely ignored the “presentations” given at the Hall. I would ad-lib at the doors. Anything else seemed too artificial to me. To my credit I never answered a question at a Watchtower Study meeting (well, there was that one time, I’ll admit, but it was only after having being “counseled” about my lack of participation). microphoneI mostly got away with this by volunteering to “run the mikes”. This also gave me an activity to occupy that otherwise vacuous hour (a good tip for any of you still stuck attending these meetings). At Bethel I got into trouble for skipping the Monday night Watchtower Study all together. But I was just about fed up with it all at that point anyway, and no longer cared who I was pissing off.

I will confess to having been an uneducated idiot who arrogantly believed I knew the “Truth” back in the day. But some things were just too stupid even for me at that time.

I never sang any of those dumb songs either. I stood mute, and rolled my eyes at them when no one was looking. rolling eyes

The “Thought Control Song” from the Kingdom Service Songbook (WBTS, 1944) p. 10

Not I, robot (at least not entirely, and not for too long).
How about you? White or black sheep? Android or human?

Into the sunset

It’s never to late to kick up your heels and start your dance.

The Only Honest Public Talk I Ever Gave

Before I became educated and made my current career choice, I worked as a janitor.

Kingdom HallOne of the buildings I cleaned each week was rented on a time-share basis. On Monday nights the city council held their meetings there while the court house was undergoing a year-long renovation. On Wednesdays it served as a bingo hall for the VFW. And three times a week it became a Kingdom Hall for Jehovah’s Witnesses.

The Witnesses wanted to clean the hall themselves, but the owner had a long-standing contract with the cleaning company I worked for.
empty chairs

On one particular Friday night, as I was vacuuming, in strolled a large Mexican family. They looked around for a bit, and then took seats in the front of the room. “I guess we’re early,” the father said. Evidently they were “interested ones” who had misunderstood the meeting days.

I decided to have a little fun.

“Not too early,” I said, switching off the vacuum. “We’re going to get started in just a minute.”

I wrapped up the cord and wheeled the vacuum into the closet. Then I introduced myself to them as brother McRoberts. I shook the father’s hand and he said, “I’m Martin, and this is my wife Marilyn, my mother Juanita, my brother Paulo, his kids Juan and Estevan, and our three kids: Julio, Roberta, and little Maria.”

I told them how pleased I was to meet them, and then I walked onto the platform and behind the podium.

“Where’s everyone else?” Martin asked.

“This is a special meeting just for newly interested people,” I explained. “We like to keep them small and informal so you can get all of your questions answered.”

“Oh,” he said, smiling over at his family.

The Truth for Dummies book“I’m going to give you the simplified explanation of the Truth,” I told them. “At the core of everything is something called the Ransom Sacrifice.

“To help you understand the simple logic and the great amount of loving kindness involved in the ransom sacrifice, let’s look at an analogy with all the spiritual stuff removed.

“Let’s say that you found out that a very long time ago there was an ancestor of yours named Alvin.”

“Like Alvin and the Chipmunks?” Julio asked, and was immediately “shushed” by his mother.Alvin and_ Evelyn

I gave him a smile and continued: “Now, Alvin wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer. In fact, he was an imbecile who didn’t know right from wrong. One day a beautiful nude woman named Evelyn gave Alvin a piece of fruit she had stolen, and he was dumb enough to eat it.

“The numb-nuts,” Paulo commented.

“Alvin, who was the son of a very rich man, had been brought up in the lap of luxury without a care in the world. But for his crime he was disinherited. All of his descendants (including you) have thereby lost out on the riches that should’ve been theirs, and ended up having to work for a living.

“But, a long time ago a loving king told your great-great-great-great grandfather that he could be re-inherited if he would only sacrifice some goats.”
goat
“Goats?” Marilyn exclaimed while Roberta glanced all around the room, presumably searching for any goats that might be waiting in the wings.

“Yes, goats,” I answered emphatically. “So he proceeded to sacrifice some goats — well, a lot of goats in fact. Before long he was in debt to all the goat-herders for miles around, and he was in big trouble with the SPCA. But for some reason sacrificing goats didn’t help; he wasn’t re-inherited.

prince“The king felt bad that he’d given the guy a bum steer, so instead of having him sacrifice any more goats, he decided to sacrifice the prince: the king’s only son, Jessie.”

“Wait a minute,” Martin protested, “you mean to say the king killed his own son just so this guy could get his inheritance?”

“Yup, and that did the trick! So now all of Alvin’s descendants (including you) can be re-inherited as long as they declare their belief in this seemingly absurd story, and join the organization that is honoring the king and his son.

“Simple enough?” I asked.

“Simple, but stupid,” Martin mumbled.

“Why did he have to kill the prince?” Marilyn asked, “Why couldn’t he just give us our inheritance?”

“Well, you see, that was the law,” I explained.

“The law the king made?” Martin asked.

“Yes,” I replied.

“If he was king,” Martin said, “why didn’t he just change the law?”

“Good question!” I said.

“Or why did he make such a stupid law in the first place?” Juanita wondered aloud.

“An even Better question!” I said, and then continued: “But here is where the plot thickens, or rather where a sub-plot is introduced.

“It seems that Evelyn was a little touched in the head; not only did she steal the fruit, she also told Alvin that a talking serpent had told her to steal it!

“Now, we can understand Alvin believing her, with his limited mental abilities, but surprisingly, it seems the king also believed her, and got rather jealous over the idea that she and Alvin would listen to a talking animal rather than take heed of his royal personage. He felt unappreciated, and all in a huff he decided he’d let the serpent rule in his stead for a while so that people would miss him and want him back as king. So all this time we’ve had a serpent in charge (which explains why the world is in such a mess).”

exit sign“A serpent is in charge?” Marilyn asked, starting to look like she was frightened for the children, and trying to catch Martin’s eye as she tilted her head repeatedly towards the exit sign.

“Yes,” I affirmed, “a serpent is in charge.

throne“But, based on unhistorical dates, about a hundred years ago the prince ousted the serpent — hurling him down to Earth — and sat down on the throne himself (though no one noticed this except us.)”

“Wait a minute,” Martin interrupted, “I thought the prince was dead.”

“Yeah, the king sacrificed him,” Marilyn reminded us.

“That’s right,” I said, “and soon his rulership will be reestablished over all the Earth, and the serpent and his cohorts will be thrown into an abyss. Then the king will have been vindicated and his ego soothed as the prince’s armies slaughter everyone who hasn’t already submitted to his invisible rule!

“Of course you’ll all want to be on the winning side when that occurs! And what do you suppose is the only way to avoid getting your head chopped off or being pelted with boulders, or burned alive, or swallowed up by the Earth, or rotting where you stand? It’s by joining our organization before the prince’s armies are loosed upon the world!”armageddon

“How do we join?” Paulo asked, showing he hadn’t been listening too well. The others looked at him in consternation.

spirit“Well, you have to learn the full story with the spirits thrown back into the mix, though essentially it doesn’t change anything except the names.

“Then you need to bring your entire family to our several meetings a week at the Kingdom Hall where we harbor pedophiles and where we rehash this story ad nauseam; start preaching it to total strangers; hand out our literature to everyone you see; answer 80 questions; be baptized; swear allegiance to our organization; learn an erroneous name for God, and practice using it in nearly every sentence of casual conversation in order to ‘keep it holy’; give up all your friends (and certain forms of sex); abandon any college plans you might’ve had for your kids; agree to never speak to them again if they ever decide to leave the organization; and sign documents forbidding life-saving medical treatment for all of your family!

“Any other questions?”

Little Maria raised her hand.

“Yes, Maria?”

“Do we have to give up Christmas?”

“Oh, yes,” I said, smiling brightly, “along with Halloween, your birthdays, the Easter Bunny, and the tooth fairy!”

She began to cry, which set off two or three of the other children.

“Well, thanks so much,” Martin said as he gathered up his family and made a hasty retreat. As they were going out the door I heard Julio ask him, “Daddy, do we have to come back here?” To which I heard Martin reply something about hell freezing over.

garbage canI noticed he’d left his Watchtower behind in the seat. Being a conscientious janitor I took it and placed it in an appropriate spot.

 

Then I smiled, not because I had just “placed” a magazine, but because I had finally given a talk that really saved someone.

See also: The Whole Truth Story