Yoga?

yoga-2116093_1280

A Short Play
by Tigaforest

[Setting: Noon on a summer’s day. A sidewalk in a residential area of a city with parked cars along the opposite side of the street.]

Two sisters, May and June, are out in field service and May had been carrying her heavy bookbag all morning. She stops and sets her oversized bookbag down on the sidewalk.]

May: Oh, my aching back and arms! [She presses her hand against her back and stretches backwards as far as she can, then side to side. Then she stretches out her arms wide, and then her legs one by one in various stretches. June notices a guy in a nearby car holding up his cellphone towards them.]

June: Let’s keep moving. [They walk on.]

[Setting: A typical Kingdom Hall immediately after a meeting with members conversing and moving about. Three elders, the presiding Elder Bushtit, the flamboyant Elder Makinwupee, and the elderly Elder Wetpants call May and June into their walk-in-closet sized ‘Room of Reproof”.]

[Elder Bushtit holds up a newspaper with photos of them in an opinion article entitled ‘JW’s Perform Yoga Before Coming to Your Door’.]

Elder Bushtit: Sister June, did you observe Sister May performing yoga1 out in public?

May: I wasn’t performing yoga, I was just stretching.

Elder Bushtit: I was asking Sister June. Now you’ve spoken out of turn. Is that the way a submissive sister is to act?

June: It’s true. May, I mean Sister May was just stretching her worn out bones from carrying around her excessively heavy bookbag.

Elder Bushtit: I was asking Sister May if that was the way for a submissive sister to act. Now you’ve spoken out of turn….and what do you mean her ‘excessively heavy’ bookbag? Do you think us shepherds of the flock are giving you an excessively heavy yoke? Do you?

June [with an exaggerated smile]: Why no, of course not Elder Bushtit. Sister May always carries around the Concordance, Insight on the Scriptures, several Bible versions, most of our books (no matter how outdated…I mean after new light is shed, of course), and many many issues of the magazines, (which, by the way, she hardly ever places even after trying to give them away just for a high placement count). It makes her feel so superior to be able to answer any question right then and there because she’s so prepared with all those reference books.

May [confused expression; not sure if she’s just been insulted]: Well, it’s better to be prepared, having our ‘lamps full of oil’, than to keep telling householders, “Well, I’m not sure–I’ll look that up and get back to you,” just so some sisters can have a roster of Back-Calls. (Her eyes dagger June.)

Elder Makinwupee: Well, let’s get back to the reason we’re all gathered here together tonight, in this tiny, sweltering closet of a room as I watch the perspiration bead on your perfectly round white forehead, Sister May, and form a slowly descending track past your deep blue eyes and down your delicate neck to parts unmentionable….ahem!

[Elders Bushtit and Wetpants stare at Elder Makinwupee.]

Elder Makinwupee: It’s obvious to me from these very suggestive poses exposed in these photos that Sister May has a very flexible and lithe figure, well-proportioned, and toned. Yes, very toned, especially those gluteus maximus. All indications that she practices yoga on a regular basis.

Elder Wetpants: Here! Here! [Strikes his cane on the floor.]

Elder Bushtit: In this photo, you are obviously doing the Warrior pose. Does Jehovah like warriors?

Elder Wetpants: No! No! [Waves his cane back and forth.]

Elder Bushtit: And here you are doing the Downward Dog pose! Do you remember Rev. 22:15: “…outside are the dogs…”? Do you want to be outside with the dogs Sister May?

Elder Wetpants: Oh, I just remembered I have to go home and walk my dog Dammit!

[Everyone looks at Elder Wetpants in astonishment.]

Elder Wetpants: No, that’s his name, really. Dammit.

Elder Makinwupee: If you can please refrain from swearing for a few minutes, Elder Wetpants! This won’t take long to determine her guilt.

May: That is NOT a Downward Dog pose. I was picking up a penny.

Elder Makinwupee: Without bending your silky, long, lovely legs Sister May? Perhaps you can demonstrate the difference to me between bending over with your gluteus maximus high in the air and the Downward Dog pose?

Elder Bushtit [staring at Elder Makinwupee then slowly turning and addressing May]: You were picking up a penny? Why? Was it your penny? Was it laying face up so you thought it would be lucky to pick up a penny? Was that it? A lucky penny? Does Jehovah’s organization on earth believe in luck? Or were you going to take someone else’s penny? Do you know what we call it when we take someone else’s possessions? We call it stealing! Does Jehovah approve of stealing? Need I remind you of the Ten Commandments: Thou Shalt Not Steal!

Elder Makinwupee: I still say she should prove she wasn’t doing that Downward Dog thing.

May: It’s too stuffy and hot in here, I feel like I’m going to faint. Can’t we open the door?

Elder Bushtit: Absolutely not! Our disciplinary meetings are completely confidential; we can’t allow the flock to overhear parts of our conversation and spread gossip from misinterpreting what they might hear—-

[May loses consciousness and falls backwards onto the floor.]

SAVASANA_sil

Elder Bushtit
Elder Makinwupee
and Elder Wetpants: [The elders look at her for a moment and then pointing at her cry out in unison]: SAVASANA POSE! Consider yourself disfellowshipped Sister May!

The End


1. On more than one occasion the Watchtower has warned that “yoga is not for Christians.” In the August 1, 2002 edition, yoga was categorized as “spiritism.” In their publication, “Pay Attention to Yourselves and to All the Flock” (WBTS, 1991), spiritism is listed as a disfellowshipping offense on page 95.

See Also:

The Stand-up Comedy of the Governing Body

NorrisAndLot
Anthony Norris III (right) and Steven Lot (left, making his late George Burn’s face)

To the astonishment and delight of us all, two members of the Governing Body: Anthony Norris III and Steven Lot, have branched out into the world of stand-up comedy (though some apostates may insist that the Governing Body have been living in that world, unknowingly, for a long time.)

Tony is the straight-man, deadpanning the whole time, while Steven’s a crackup; using his notoriously extreme facial expressions to milk the audience’s laughter.

If you haven’t caught their act yet, which has opened for several recent conventions throughout the U.S. and Great Britain, you may enjoy the following transcription of a recent performance. Unfortunately a transcription cannot fully convey the physical comedy and superb timing of a live performance.

Enjoy!

Norris & Lot: [Walk out to great applause. Norris goes and stands behind the podium, Lot stands a few feet away to his right, behind a standing mic. They bow, applaud each other, and wait for the crowd to settle down.]

Norris: So, a guy walks into a bar–

Lot: Ouch! [Holds hand over his eye, and staggers about the stage, then doubles over in mock pain.]

Audience: [Roars with laughter; so relieved to see these men not being serious for a change.]

Norris: [Waits for audience to quiet down, and Lot to recover himself.]
Wrong audience.
[Shuffles his papers on the podium, till at last he seems to find the right one.]
A guy walks into a magazine counter.

Lot: Ouch! [Repeats performance. Crowd laughs even harder this time.]

NorrisContemplative

Norris: [After patiently waiting for everyone to settle down; while remaining straight-faced himself the whole time.] Sorry. I’ll get this right eventually — you know that sometimes we don’t get everything exactly right the first time.

Audience: [Laughs, then applauds as Norris gives a meaningful look.]

Lot: Yeah, we’re not infallible. Just remember the Generation teaching!

Audience: [Starts laughing, but then catch themselves and stop short.]

Norris: [Gives Lot a long, thoughtful look.] No; not like the Generation teaching. We had that one right the first time.

Lot: Oh, right! We just didn’t know what we were saying.

Audience: [Confused, sporadic laughter.]

Norris: No; he’s right: we said the Generation wouldn’t die out before the end came. We just didn’t know that the Generation was uh —

Lot: Double-jointed?

Audience: [Laughter & applause.]

Norris: So, a brother walks over to the magazine counter.

Lot: [Encouragingly.] Tell the story, brother.

Norris: And he asks the Magazine Servant —

Lot: Did you ever wonder why you start out as a servant and have to rise to the level of a slave?

Audience: [Laughter and applause.]

Norris: [Gives Lot a stern look.] And he asks the Magazine Servant, “Say, brother, have you got the swimsuit issue?”

LotSurprisedLot: [Mugs an outrageous face of shock, replete with rolling eyes.]

Audience: [Roars with laughter.]

Lot: Well, at least he didn’t ask for a Playboy!

Audience: [Gasps at the mention of such a thing by a Governing Body member, then laughs hysterically.]

Norris: Do they still publish that wicked rag?

Lot: [Putting his hand on his chest.] How would I know?

Norris: So, the Magazine Servant reaches under the counter, saying, “Oh, yes, I believe we still have one issue left, down here.” [Long pause.] And he pulls out our January issue with the report on all of the baptisms for last year.

LotLaughingLot: [Doubles over in hysterical laughter, which in itself is funny enough to give the audience something to laugh at rather than Norris’s dud of a punchline.]

Norris: [Steps to the side of the podium and takes a bow.]

Audience: [Polite applause.]

Lot: Speaking of baptism, brother Norris, I heard a sister say that she thought John the Baptist was hot.

Norris: [In mock disbelief.] Hot?!

Lot: She was looking at the illustration of him in the Watchtower. The one with the bulging muscles. [Flexing and feeling his own biceps, then nodding and smiling at ladies in the audience.] I Guess John had been working out; not much else to do in the desert.

Norris: And she really said that she thought he was “hot”?

LotDisgusted2Lot: “Smokin’!” [Mugs an indescribable face, perhaps meant to mimic the woman’s attraction to the picture.]

Norris: Wait; she said he was smoking?

Lot: “Smokin’!” [Repeats face, even more exaggeratedly.]

Norris: Can’t be; we don’t baptize anyone who’s smoking.

Audience: [Scattered chuckles.]

Lot: [Pointing to Norris] Just like Samson: he brings the house down!

Norris: Well, if John the Baptist was a smoker, he wasn’t the worst lawbreaker in the Bible.

Lot: Oh? Who was, then?

Norris: Moses!

Lot: No!

Norris: Sure; he broke all ten commandments at once!

Audience: [Laughter mixed with groans.]

Lot: [Whispers to the audience, with a nod to Norris.] Smart-alek.

Lot: [Addressing Norris.] Oh yeah? Well, what about Noah? He broke the dietary law, you know.

Norris: How’s that?

Lot: He took Ham into the ark.

Audience: [Laughs politely, then bursts into laughter and applause as Lot mugs and spreads his arms to accept adulation for his wit.]

Norris: Well, that’s not so bad; I guess I’m worse: guilty of bringing a ham on the stage with me.

Lot: Hey, if anyone here needs an ark, I Noah guy.

Audience: [Groans.]

Norris: I’m sorry; it’s hard to stop him when he’s on a roll. He’s the same way when the Faithful Slave is in session. That’s why it takes so long to get the new truths out to you folks.

Lot: You knew that Noah also brought playing cards with him to help wile away those long rainy days on the ark, didn’t you?

Norris: Is that a fact? What did they play, poker? Ha-ha.

Lot: No, they could never play anything; Noah kept standing on the deck.

Audience: [Groans.]

Norris: [With a long-suffering look to the audience.] I’ll get him off this, I promise.
Hey, Steven, didn’t you just celebrate your 45th anniversary with your lovely wife Susan?

Lot: 48th year, Tony!

Audience: [Applause.]

Lot: Yes, as you know, this is the one thing we Jehovah’s Witnesses get to celebrate. So we went all out!

Norris: [With a worried look.] All out?

Lot: Yes, we shared a glass of wine with our meal at a fancy restaurant.

Norris: Oh, that’s acceptable.

Lot: And, we had a toast —

Norris: Oh, brother, no! Jehovah’s people do not engage in toasting!

Lot: [A look of astonishment.] You’re kidding.

Norris: No, I’m not kidding! You’re a member of the Governing Body: the Faithful and Discreet slave! How can you not know of this prohibition? Toasting is a pagan religious ritual! You’re supposed to be setting an example!

LotDejectedLot: [Looking dejected.] Now I’ll have to report Susan to the judicial committee for toasting that marshmallow. It was all her idea. Though I ate it; just like Adam ate the fruit Eve gave him. Does that make me guilty too?

Norris: Oh, it was just a toasted marshmallow? That’s okay then.

Lot: Whew! Well, now I’m really glad we decided against the piñata.

Norris: Actually, piñatas are permitted.

Lot: [Reaches into his jacket pocket and takes out a pencil and notebook, begins writing something down.]

Norris: What are you doing now?

Lot: Just making a note. “Piñatas: okay… Toasting: ETERNAL DEATH!”

Norris: Now that you’ve got that straight in your mind, can you tell us why you would have a piñata, of all things, at your anniversary celebration?

Lot: I told you we were going all out.

Audience: [Laughter.]

Lot: Oh yeah; people have piñatas at their celebrations. I’ve seen this: you take a stick and hit it, and stuff falls out… It’s kind of like these young attractive sisters: they get hit on all the time, and then spill their guts in the courts about elders having sexually abused them.

Norris: Yeah; I’d like to take a stick to them myself sometimes, for all the trouble they cause the Society.
Too bad it’s not like in the good old days when Rutherford armed his body-guards with canes, which they weren’t hesitant to use.

Audience: [Applause.]

Lot: Yeah, not like the “metaphorical rod” that brother Jackson tried to pull over on the Australian Royal Commission!

Norris: [Ignoring Lot.] And unfortunately it’s not just the sisters; there’s those young brothers in tight pants, exciting the older men —

Lot: Wait a minute! [Takes out notebook and writes again] “Tight pants: HUMAN HOT-DOGS!
[Puts away notebook and yawns.]

Norris: Are we keeping you up?

Lot: [Looks at watch] It’s about time for my siesta.

Norris: You take a siesta?

Lot: Every day. [Norris stares at him, making him nervous and guilty.] Uh-oh! [Takes out notebook and rifles through it.] I don’t see siestas on the list. Aren’t they okay?

Norris: Just like birthdays, there is only one mention of a siesta in the Bible, and a murder was committed during it.

Lot: [Writes in notebook, with exaggerated emphasis, as if stabbing a hole through the paper.] I better pop a No-Doze!

Norris: Just kidding, brother Lot. Siestas are acceptable.

Lot: [Rips the page out of his notebook, crumples it, and throws it offstage.] And into the apostate-bucket it goes!

Audience: [Applause.]

Norris: We have to get off now and make room for the serious stuff. Despite all our foolishness, we’d like to end on an inspiring note —

Lot: Oh, I’ve got one! You know we joke about the sisters, but seriously, I’ve come closer in my understanding and appreciation and love for Jehovah through my long, long, long [nodding his head and slumping lower and lower with each repetition of the word] long marriage.

Norris: Kind of gives you a taste for what eternity will be like, doesn’t it, brother?

Lot: [Straightening back up] Yes, isn’t it wonderful? Best of all, I now understand why Jehovah created man before woman.

Norris: Why is that?

Lot: He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.

Norris & Lot: [Raise their arms above their heads, give each other high-five’s, and bow.]

Audience: [Gives standing ovation.]

Norris & Lot: Thank you; you’ve been great — though you’ll never be as great as us!

Disclaimer: Any resemblance of characters in this article to actual persons, living or dead, may not be entirely coincidental.
This dialogue is entirely the product of the writer’s warped imagination (along with some bad jokes culled from the Internet), though it’s mostly all in fun, it all has a basis in the actual writings, theology, history, and policies of the Watchtower (as the provided links demonstrate.)

When the Governing Body Called on Socrates. Part 1

Part 1: The 1914 generation

Featuring:
Anthony Norris III and Steven Lot

Steven Lot, Anthony Norris III, Socrates
Steven Lot, Anthony Norris III, Socrates

NORRIS: Good morning. My name is Mr. Anthony Norris the third, and this is brother Steven Lot. We’re calling on your neighbors this morning to discuss the crime rate. How do you feel about the increase in crime and violence?

SOCRATES: And a good morning to you too, gentlemen. I am Mr. Socrates Sophroniskou Alopekethen. [Using the most elaborate form of his name in gentle mockery of Anthony’s overly formal introduction. However, since this goes over their heads, Socrates just smiles at his private little joke, and continues.]
I love a good discussion! Please come in and sit down.

NORRIS & LOT: Thank you.

SOCRATES: [Picking up a bottle in one hand and two wine-glasses in the other.] May I offer you some wine? I cannot imbibe myself — having once had a bad experience with a drink — but my friends tell me that this is a particularly good brand.

NORRIS: No thanks. I prefer Jameson Scotch.

LOT: [Waving the proffered glass away] I love wine, but I’d feel too awkward drinking it in front of someone who cannot imbibe.

NORRIS: [Under his breath to Lot] What do you think you do every Memorial Service?

SOCRATES: [Sitting down across from them] Very well. You asked me what I thought about the increase in crime and violence. Before I can answer that I’ll need to know what crimes and acts of violence you’re referring to, whom they were committed against, and over what period they have increased.

NORRIS: Well, we find that ever since 1914: World War I, crime and violence have been on the increase everywhere.

SOCRATES: And you are factoring in population increase?

NORRIS: Certainly.

SOCRATES: You know, gentlemen, I must tell you that I have become utterly fascinated by the Internet, which my good friend Aristocles, son of Ariston, has introduced me to. [A twinkle in his eye here, but after searching his visitors’ faces and seeing no recognition of Plato’s real name, he settles for another mysterious smile.]
This Internet is a veritable encyclopedia of facts at one’s fingertips! And all in the blink of an eye!

While we’ve been talking, I’ve looked up the facts in this matter, and actually when we factor in the population increase, we find that crime has actually been decreasing! And given humankind’s very violent past, we are living in the most peaceful time in history!

NORRIS: [Looking amazed] Are you aware of the two World Wars, the recent school shootings—

SOCRATES: Yes. Are you aware of the real first world war? It started in 1754 when George Washington murdered some Frenchmen, and ended up involving every inhabited continent on the globe except for Australia.

NORRIS: That’s an interesting history lesson, but 1914 saw an unparalleled loss of lives.

SOCRATES: Actually, the Three Kingdoms War in China, circa 220-280, had fourteen million more casualties.

NORRIS: [Dismissively] Anyway, the Bible shows that Jesus predicted the wars and violence, and even the earthquakes that we see today: “For nation shall rise against nation, and there will be earthquakes in one place after another… and then the end will come.” So, the conditions we see today are proof that the end of this system of things is fast approaching. Those who want to survive into the new system have to take steps today to align themselves with Jehovah God’s kingdom, soon to rule the earth.
I’d like to leave you with this magazine which shows how the Bible predicted all the things we are seeing, and what we need to do in order to be on God’s side when the Great Tribulation begins, which Jesus spoke of in verse –

SOCRATES: That’s very kind of you, and I look forward to reading your magazine. But can you help me understand what you just said?

NORRIS: Of course.

SOCRATES: You said that Jesus predicted an earthquake! That’s amazing, given how difficult it is for scientists, with all their modern equipment, to make accurate predictions. Which earthquake did Jesus accurately predict? Was it the Lisbon earthquake of 1755? The San Francisco earthquake of 1906 or 1989?  Or the 1964 “Good Friday” earthquake in Anchorage? Or perhaps —

NORRIS: No, Jesus didn’t make any specific earthquake predictions. He just said that there would be earthquakes in one place after another.

SOCRATES: But haven’t there always been earthquakes in one place after another? What kind of “prediction” is that?

LOT: [Pulls out an old magazine from his book-bag, and reads]

“We have recently experienced a period that has had one of the highest rates of great earthquakes ever recorded,” according to Tom Parsons, a research geophysicist at USGS.

SOCRATES: [Typing furiously on his computer] Oh, yes, I’ve found that quote. But why did you stop there? The article goes on to say:

Most researchers agree that the frequency spike is most likely random. Plus, this isn’t the first time we’ve seen an uptick in quakes: between 1950 and 1965, the earth shook more than usual, too. As the USGS explains, “A temporary increase or decrease in seismicity is part of the normal fluctuation of earthquake rates. Neither an increase or decrease worldwide is a positive indication that a large earthquake is imminent.” In fact, Parson’s study shows that since 1979, the average rate of major earthquakes has been roughly 10 a year.

And here’s another site, called 11 facts about earthquakes which states:

The National Earthquake Information Center (NEIC) records an average of 20,000 earthquakes every year (over 50 a day) around the world. There are, however, millions of earthquakes estimated to occur every year that are too weak to be recorded.

So, again: there is always one earthquake after another (and often they are even simultaneous.) And, oh yes, I read this quote in the Watchtower magazine — though not the issue you’re leaving with me:

The earth and its dynamic forces have more or less remained the same throughout the ages.
Watchtower, December 1, 1993, p. 6

And yet, this puzzles me, because in an earlier issue, they wrote something quite at odds with that quote:

The severity and deadliness of earthquakes have increased markedly since “the time of the end” commenced for this old system in 1914.
Watchtower, May 1, 1970, page 270.

Can you explain that?

[Lot and Norris look at each other, each hoping the other has some comeback. Finally, Lot ventures the fallback excuse]
LOT: Oh, that’s all taken out of context.

SOCRATES: I see. But let me ask you this: you say that after the war and the earthquakes “the end will come.” And you say this meant World War I, and the wars, crime, violence, and earthquakes since then. Correct?

NORRIS: Yes.

SOCRATES: Yet you say “the end of this system of things is fast approaching.”

NORRIS: That’s right, yes.

SOCRATES: So, what are we waiting for? 1914 was over a hundred years ago. If all you say is true, shouldn’t the end have come by now?

NORRIS: Jesus went on to say that the generation that witnessed the events of 1914 would by no means have passed away before the end came.

SOCRATES: Well, let’s see, babies born in 1914 would be 105 years old today. So that generation has pretty much passed away, hasn’t it?

NORRIS: Actually, they wouldn’t have been babies; they would’ve had to have been of the age of understanding, which we believe is at least 10 years old.

SOCRATES: And they would’ve used this “understanding” to understand that the war and earthquakes signaled the start of the last days, correct?

NORRIS: Yes.

SOCRATES: But at that time, the Watchtower was proclaiming that 1914 was the end of the last days: not their start, correct? I found this old Watchtower quote:

We see no reason for changing the figures — nor could we change them if we would. They are, we believe, God’s dates, not ours. But bear in mind that the end of 1914 is not the date for the beginning, but for the end of the time of trouble.”
– The Watchtower Reprints, July 15, 1894, p. 1677 (Emphasis in original.)

NORRIS: Well, yes. The light has gotten brighter since then.

SOCRATES: But no Watchtower subscriber of that time would’ve recognized 1914 as the start of the last days, correct?

NORRIS: Some of them might’ve.

SOCRATES: You mean, on their own: going against what the Watchtower was telling them was the “truth”?

NORRIS: Possibly.

SOCRATES: Do many in your religion think for themselves in that way: questioning the “light” published by the Watchtower?

NORRIS: We discourage independent thinking.

SOCRATES: So then your belief in 1914 hangs upon an egregiously thin thread!

NORRIS: How do you mean?

SOCRATES: It requires that there are people, at least 115 years old, who, as ten year-old children in 1914 believed — in spite of what the Watchtower published — that the year marked the start of the last days.

NORRIS: Well, children don’t always believe what we tell them.

SOCRATES: [aside] I’m amazed that any adults do.

NORRIS: But the thread’s not so thin as all that. In light of the 1914 generation having died out, we now understand that by “generation” Jesus meant not only those of an age of understanding in 1914, but anyone anointed while any of those anointed who witnessed 1914 were still alive.

SOCRATES: [laughs] Not seriously?

NORRIS: Oh, yes. The Bible sometimes uses “generation” to refer to all the people alive at one time period.

SOCRATES: Well, sure; but you’re spreading that time-period out way too far: beyond a lifetime! When you do that, the term generation loses its meaning. For instance, my great-grandfather immigrated to this country as a young man. He was still alive when I was born. Now, according to your definition of “generation” I am of the same generation as my great-grandfather — even though I am rightly considered a 4th generation American because he was a first generation American.

NORRIS: That is correct.

SOCRATES: So, while most people would consider me part of the “Baby Boom” generation, you’re telling me that since I was born while my great-grandpa was alive, I’m really part of the “Lost” generation of the late 1800’s!

NORRIS: Well, yes; if you use the word the way the Bible does in Matthew 24. That’s how we know, for instance, that someone anointed in 1992 is of the 1914 generation; because Fred Franz (who lived through 1914) was still alive in that year.

SOCRATES: So, you’re contending that an anointed person who is 37 years old today is of the WWI generation — though that war ended 64 years before they were born.

NORRIS: Yes.

SOCRATES: Yet other people, born on the very same day as that individual, are not of the WWI generation.

NORRIS: You’ve got it.

SOCRATES: Excuse me, but do you actually get people to believe all this?

NORRIS: Hey, if we can convince our followers that the 7 great plagues depicted in the book of Revelation were a series of Bible Students’ convention held in the 1920’s, then getting them to swallow this generation double-talk is a cinch!

LOT: [Reading from a crib-sheet he pulls from his jacket pocket]

The evidence that God’s kingdom began to rule in 1914 is more abundant than the evidence for gravity, electricity, or wind!

SOCRATES: [To Norris, sadly] I see what you mean.

Don’t miss Part 2 of When the Governing Body Called on Socrates!

Note: Any resemblance of characters in this story to actual persons, living or dead, may not be entirely coincidental.

See also:

1914 Debunked once and for all!

For more of Socrates meeting the Governing Body, please see my book: Layers of Truth.

When the Governing Body Called on Socrates. Part 2

Socrates convinces the Watchtower’s Governing Body that they’re not a Faithful and Discreet Slave.

Part 2: “That Faithful and Discreet Slave”

Featuring: Anthony Norris III and Steven Lot

Steven Lot, Anthony Norris III (Slaves), and Socrates
Steven Lot, Anthony Norris III (as the Slaves, soon to be freed), and Socrates

Norris: I have a Return Visit to make at this house on a, let’s see — a Mr. Socrates.

Lot: Oh, yes, I was with you on the initial call. I remember the gentleman well. Dressed rather oddly, I thought.

Norris: [Ringing the bell.] At least he wasn’t wearing tight pants.

Socrates: [Answering the door] Gentlemen! How glad I am to see you again, please come in! [They walk in, and he has them sit down on his couch.]

I obtained some Jameson Scotch for you in anticipation of your return visit. [Offering them a couple of tumblers full.]

Norris: Oh, thank you. But not while I’m “on duty!”

Lot: I’ll try some! [Gets dirty look from Norris, so sets the glass down on a coaster without sipping.]

Socrates: You know, gentlemen, I really must tell you how honored I am by your presence in my humble home once again. Since your last visit I have read the literature you left me, and have used the Internet to research your organization. I even obtained a Watchtower Library disk with all of your literature, searchable back to the 1950’s.

Norris: We’re very glad to hear of your interest.

Socrates: Yes, but more importantly, I learned that you two represent one fourth of the Governing Body: the “Faithful and Discreet Slave!” Isn’t that true?

Lot: We have that  privilege.

Norris: And responsibility.

Socrates: Yes, and that responsibility, as I understand it from your writings, is to dispense the truth from God to the world! Is that right?

[Lot and Norris smile and nod.]

Socrates: Marvelous! Again, I am honored, but, a little confused as to why you are here today.

Lot: We are spreading the good news of the kingdom.

Socrates: Yes, but today is the Feast of the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary. Aren’t you required to be in church today?

[Lot and Norris laugh.]

Norris: No, we don’t practice Mariolatry.

Nor do we believe that Mary ascended bodily into heaven. The Bible, at First Corinthians, chapter 15, verse 50 tells us that “flesh and blood cannot inherit God’s Kingdom.”

Lot: [In a quiet aside to Norris.] But I thought Jesus and Elijah both ascended bodily into heaven. [Norris ignores him.]

Socrates: But, how can this be? Pope Pius XII defined the Assumption of Mary as an article of faith in 1950, this was considered to be an ex cathedra declaration, and hence an infallible teaching which all believers must accept.

You’re saying the Pope made a mistake, but being infallible means that it’s impossible to make a mistake.

Heck, they’ve even got physical evidence: Mary’s girdle, which she dropped, while ascending heavenward, into the hands of Doubting Thomas himself! Or so the story goes. [Shows them the images he has found on the Internet.]
maryassumptiongirdle

Lot: Man, that bishop is a dead-ringer for you, brother Norris. You haven’t been moonlighting, have you?

[Aside to Norris, in a whisper] Boy, if I had been Thomas I’d have been tempted to take a peek up her robe once that girdle came off; a vantage-point better than an escalator!

Norris: [After giving Lot a sly smile.] You see, Mr. Socrates, that is all from the Catholic Church: part of what the Bible calls Babylon the Great: Satan’s empire of false religion. From what I hear, there are several of these “authentic girdles of Mary” held in various churches. And they all made sudden appearances in the Middle Ages. Whenever they wanted to raise money to build a church, some monk or priest would whip off his belt and put it on display as “Mary’s girdle,” and their gullible members would pay good money to see it.

They manufacture ridiculous “evidence”: fake “relics,” and tell people the Pope is infallible just to get them to believe such nonsense as this, enslave them to their organization, collect their tithes, and distract them from The Truth.

assume_orgLot: [Laughing] Yeah, you could say that they’ve made a very big, and very wrong assumption. And we all know what happens when we assume.

[Aside to Norris.] Hey, we can maybe use that in our act!

Socrates: But as someone with a “pipeline to God,” mustn’t the Pope by definition be infallible when he’s instructing the faithful on matters of doctrine?

Norris: The fact is, the Popes have contradicted themselves many times, proving that they can’t be infallible.

Socrates: Well, I guess that would follow if you say that they are a false religion. But the true religion would have to have infallible leadership, don’t you agree?

Norris: No. The Faithful Slave is not infallible. God uses imperfect men [with a meaningful look directed at Lot] to accomplish his purposes.

Socrates: Imperfect men: sure. But of course they’d still be infallible when declaring doctrine. The Catholics don’t claim that the Pope is perfect (or “impeccable,” as they put it.) But they argue convincingly that God wouldn’t allow his “channel” to mess up his message, or tell the faithful to believe untruths as if they were “The Truth.” Surely you can see that this would make no sense. Therefore, you men — when acting as part of the Faithful Slave in its role of dispensing the truth from God — must be infallible!

Norris: We’re not. We’ve made some mistakes in the past.

Lot: [Aside.] That’s an understatement!

Socrates: Minor, doctrinal issues, I’m guessing. Surely not anything that could lead to physical or spiritual harm to your followers.

Lot: Oh, yes. Between 1967 and 1980 we taught that organ transplants were forbidden by God’s law. And this caused some harm and even death to those who listened to us.

Norris: Not to mention our former ban on vaccinations and blood fractions.

Socrates: I’m sorry, gentlemen, but I’m confused. I thought for sure that you would say that the Slave, charged with feeding God’s people their spiritual food, was infallible when performing that duty.

Lot: What made you think so?

Socrates: Well, don’t you claim that the Governing Body goes all the way back to the Apostles of Jesus, and the elders who issued the edict against blood in Jerusalem, according to the book of Acts?

Norris: Absolutely!

Socrates: And their edict must be infallible since it is included in the “inspired word of God”?

Lot: Yes.

Socrates: So there you have an incidence of the Governing Body being infallible.

Plus, didn’t Jesus tell them that he would “always be with them,” and that he would send holy spirit to “teach them all things”?

Lot: Yes, he did say that.

Socrates: And neither Jesus nor the holy spirit would ever steer you wrong, correct?

Norris: That’s right, they wouldn’t steer us wrong, though we might not always fully understand their direction, being imperfect men.

Socrates: So, here you have divine guidance leading you, but due to your imperfection you don’t follow that guidance, and lead your followers astray. Is that a fair statement?

Lot: It’s fair.

Socrates: You are the weak link in the chain?

Norris: Exactly.

Socrates: So you’re telling me that God had the foresight to implement a perfect heavenly channel to communicate his Truth to humankind, but he slipped up on the bottom part: entrusting the message to human incompetents. Although all-powerful, God can’t manage to guide these hand-picked men sufficiently in order to get them to repeat his vital messages properly to those who yearn to obey him!

WtHierarchyWT19711215p749Revised
From the 1971 Watchtower, 12/15 p. 749.
Revised to reflect latest understanding.

Yet, even knowing all this, what you proclaim as The Truth must be accepted by your followers, correct? For instance, if I say “I am a Jehovah’s Witness, but I don’t believe in the Two Witness Rule“; or “I don’t believe in shunning family members“; or “I don’t believe that all non-Jehovah’s Witnesses are about to be killed in horrible ways by a loving God (with the assistance of you very gentlemen),” if I said any of those things —

Norris: If you said any of those things you wouldn’t be a Jehovah’s Witness, and you’d be disfellowshipped for apostasy.

Socrates: What if, between 1967 and 1980, I had said “I don’t believe organ transplants are against God’s law”?

Norris: Disfellowshipped for apostasy.

Socrates: Even though I would’ve been right, according to the “New Truth” on the matter since 1980? I would’ve had the truth and rejected the lie: the “mistake” of the Slave. Yet you say I would’ve been disfellowshipped.

Norris: Absolutely! We have to have unity of belief in God’s organization.

Socrates: So you think it’s better to have everyone believing a lie than to have anyone think for themselves.

Lot: As long as the instruction comes from the Slave, yes. We are self-correcting. If something is wrong, we just have to “wait on Jehovah” to make it right, eventually.

Socrates: Everyone believing a lie told by their religious leader in order to have one catholic faith (because, as you know, the word catholic simply means universal.) That’s a strong clue as to what this sounds like to me.

But let me ask you this, in our hypothetical situation: After 1980, after the Slave realized I had been right about organ transplants, and they had been wrong — I’d automatically be reinstated, correct?

Norris: Absolutely not! You committed the sin of not “listening and obeying.” You had engaged in independent thinking: questioning God’s channel of Truth!

Socrates: Sort of like being excommunicated from the Catholic Church for heresy if I say that I don’t believe what the Pope says about the Assumption of Mary?

Norris: Very much like that, yes. Though you could be reinstated if you repented, and fully came back to our way of thinking on all matters, and committed to agreeing with whatever ideas we come up with in the future. We stress the unity of belief. Jehovah’s Witnesses must believe what the Slave tells them is True, even if it makes no sense to them.

Lot: [To himself.] And even if it isn’t true.

Socrates: So then, you see, you expect your followers to treat you the same way Catholics treat the Pope: exactly as if you were infallible! It makes no sense to expect this from them if you can later turn around and say, “Oh, sorry; we were wrong: that wasn’t God’s message at all. We were in error.”

So, you might as well claim infallibility; no other stance makes sense, given the claims you make, and the obedience you demand.

Lot: Well, we can’t claim infallibility because, uh —

Socrates: Is it for the same reason that you say the Pope is not infallible: that Popes have contradicted each other?

Lot: Well, yes. We could hardly be infallible when we keep changing our minds — and doctrines.

Norris: We’re not “changing our minds” so much as gaining better understanding of The Truth as time goes by, and we come closer to the end of this system of things. The Bible tells us in Proverbs 4:18, “But the path of the righteous is like the bright morning light that grows brighter and brighter until full daylight.” 

Socrates: Isn’t that talking about a righteous person’s deeds shining forth, as when Jesus said to “let your light shine,” rather than to misunderstanding one’s own doctrines?

Lot: Some think so, but we don’t.

inthedarkvoicesSocrates: So, how do you apply it? At first you were in the dark, stumbling about, and trying to describe what you could but dimly see or guess at. Then as the light got brighter you were able to clarify what you were seeing?

Lot: You’ve got it!

Socrates: And, being “discreet” means not blurting out half-baked ideas, or the first thing that comes into your head, but making sure that something is true before declaring it as The Truth to others. So, you would have to wait until the light was bright enough to make things out clearly before opening your mouth, correct?

Lot: That’s right.

Socrates: So, being the Discreet Slave, how could you possibly have ever told your followers that vaccinations and organ transplants were against God’s law, when you now admit that they never were against God’s law?

Lot: We “got ahead of the light.”

Norris: We made a mistake; we’re imperfect humans.

Do you understand?

Socrates: Yes. Thank you, gentlemen, for making it as bright and clear to me as that “path of the righteous” we spoke of. I now see your evidence as tangibly as if it were one of Mary’s girdles.

And I must tell you that the “we’re imperfect humans” excuse is perfectly valid — for anyone not claiming to be a divinely led Faithful and Discreet Slave.

[Long silence as the Slaves try to come up with some way to respond to this.]

Norris: Well, we haven’t always been as discreet as we are now. Over the years Jehovah has helped ‘the faithful and discreet slave’ to become steadily more discreet.

Lot: We know that we’re the Faithful and Discreet Slave because Jesus judged us to be so in 1919.

[Norris rolls his eyes.]

Socrates: And how do you know Jesus made this judgment?

Lot: Because I read all about it in the Watchtower.

Norris: Let me clarify that. [Giving Lot yet another dirty look.]

On our first visit with you we proved that 1914 was the start of the Last Days, when Jesus became invisibly present and assumed kingly power in Jehovah God’s kingdom.

Lot: Oh, yeah, and corresponding to Jesus’ earthly ministry of 3 years, it was 3 years later that Jesus examined the religions of the world, and found only our organization to be faithful [we called ourselves the International Bible Students back then.] So he judged us to be his Faithful and Discreet Slave, and put us in charge of the spiritual food, in the year 1919. A position we have faithfully held ever since.

Socrates: Wouldn’t three years after 1914 be 1917?

Norris: Oh, it was three and a half years, and brother Lot skipped a step or two in there somewhere.

J-F-Rutherford-Prison-CardLot: Oh, yeah, I remember: the 3 1/2 days of Revelation chapter 11, which we say symbolizes 9 months, give or take, and we add that to the 1,260 days of that same chapter, and, I think by starting in December of 1914, we come real close to the date of Rutherford’s release on bail from prison in March of 1919: proving that Jehovah and Jesus favored our organization.

Norris: [Frowning, with a puzzled look.] Yeah. Well, we don’t recall offhand exactly how we get to the 1919 date, but you get the idea.

assume_buttonSocrates: I’m not sure that I do. In fact, it sounds a bit like “manufactured ridiculous evidence” to me. So, let’s leave the 1919 date for the moment as an assumption, and get back to discretion.

You’re saying that the Slave has improved its level of discretion since the time it got God’s law wrong regarding organ transplants.

Norris: That’s correct.

Socrates: So, if we could assign a score, would you agree that announcing a ban on organ transplants — a literally fatal error — would have to get a score of zero on the discretion scale?

Norris: Not necessarily. The Slave just made a mistake on this one policy. They still had a lot right, and that shows they were more discreet than the religions of Christendom.

Socrates: But the Slave is guided by the holy spirit in its announcements of God’s laws, is it not?

Norris: Of course.

Socrates: And the holy spirit is infallible, is it not?

Norris: Of course.

Socrates: So, the ban on transplants could not have been due to the holy spirit’s guidance.

Norris: You’re right.

Socrates: So, did the Slave feel that they were being guided by the holy spirit when they announced and enforced the ban? Or did they just make this law up on their own?

Lot: I’m not sure what they felt; it was before my time as a member of the Governing Body.

Socrates: Well, if they weren’t 100% sure that this ban was being mandated by the holy spirit, it would be the height of indiscretion to announce the ban, and place the lives of its members in danger.

Norris: Certainly they felt that they were being guided by the holy spirit, or they would never have announced the ban.

Socrates: But they were wrong?

Norris: In this instance, yes: they were wrong.

Socrates: But didn’t they know what it feels like to have the holy spirit’s guidance? I mean, they supposedly had felt this guidance in all these other instances where you said “they had a lot right.” So, they had to know what that guidance felt like, or else they had never really felt it, and all of your doctrines become suspect.

Norris: Yes, of course they knew what it felt like.

Socrates: But in this case they must not have felt it.

Norris: Correct.

Socrates: And yet they went ahead and declared that transplants were against God’s law without having felt the spirit’s guidance. Not very discreet, was it?

Lot: Okay, we grant that it wasn’t very discreet.

Norris: But, again: the Slave’s level of discretion has been steadily increasing.

discreetChart2
The Slave’s level of discretion over the years.

Socrates: Okay, so here’s my problem: if the Slave’s level of discretion has been “steadily increasing,” and we found it to be at zero in 1967, then it must’ve been below zero prior to 1967.

Norris: I admit that, logically, that follows.

Socrates: And you tell me that Jesus declared your organization to be the “faithful and discreet slave” before 1967 — in fact, way back in 1919.

Lot: In 1919, that’s correct.

Socrates: But in 1919 the organization would’ve had a negative discretion score: they would not have been discreet. So, how could Jesus judge them to be discreet when they weren’t discreet?

Norris: Uh, because, even so, they were still the best thing going.

Socrates: Actually, the Christadelphians were much closer to your current understanding of “The Truth” back in 1919 than were your International Bible Students of that time.

Lot: [With a worried, disappointed look at Norris] So, we’re not the Faithful and Discreet Slave?

Socrates: Sorry to burst your bubble.

slaves
Genuine Slaves

But, really, no one in their right mind should want to be a slave! I just looked up the definition of slave, and it says:

“A person who is the legal property of another and is forced to obey him.”

According to what I read in the Bible, Christian leaders are not “forced to obey,” but are supposed to serve God willingly:

Therefore, as a fellow elder, a witness of the sufferings of the Christ and a sharer of the glory that is to be revealed, I make this appeal to the elders among you: Shepherd the flock of God under your care, serving as overseers, not under compulsion, but willingly before God; 1 Peter 5:1-2 (NWT)

Today I have freed you from your slavery. I guess the Bible is right when it states that “the truth shall set you free.” (John 8:32)

So much for being a slave. Now we come to being faithful and wise. It seems to me that if you take Jesus’ words for the parable that they are [instead of as a convoluted prophecy about a 20th century ex-con and the equally error-prone group of egomaniacs that made up his successors], and if you pay close attention to Jesus’ words: “What I say to you I say to all,” (Mark 13:37) it turns out that we can all be “faithful and wise stewards” by performing our duties with integrity — as I hope I have done today, for your benefit.

breakingFree

Thank you for listening. All of you are now free to go.

 

You won’t want to miss: Part 3 in this Series of calls by Norris & Lot on Socrates.

To read about Socrates likewise deflating the Governing Body’s blood policies, please see my book: Layers of Truth

For further comparisons with the Catholic church, please see Cedar’s excellent article:

Are Jehovah’s Witnesses a hierarchical religion? And does it matter?