Profits and Non-Prophets

In the U.S. there used to be a weekly newspaper called Weekly World News (WWN).
This newspaper was advertised as “The world’s only reliable newspaper”. It focused on bizarre stories which were the product of a creative staff with a wild sense of humor. It was all very tongue-in-cheek though many of its less-educated readers took the articles seriously.

WWN cover: severed leg hops to hospitalBig Foot vs aliens

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes it would feature predictions, often reputedly Bible-based, such as this cover from November, 1999.WWN: Bible predicts worst winter ever The trouble with predictions is that they can’t be verified ahead of time, and after the predicted time has passed few people look back and check to see what predictions have failed (it’s only when predictions succeed that people generally pay attention). That way the fortune tellers get to stay in business and make new predictions each year. In this case, for instance, that winter proved to be the warmest on record. But who went back and checked their old November WWN newspaper in March?

Here are a couple more classic covers from WWN:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

By now you’re probably wondering what all of this has to do with my usual topic of conversation: The Watchtower; a publication that also advertises itself as reliable:

 The “Watchtower” An Outstanding Bible Aid…Since 1879 it has been published regularly for the benefit of sincere students of the Bible. Since that time it has proven itself dependable.

(Advertisement in the back of the 1953 edition of the New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures).

Actually, if you replaced the WWN heading with the Watchtower logo in the above “Bible Prophecies” cover it works quite well.

But the Watchtower goes WWN one better: not content to make mere “predictions” based on the Bible, they make prophecies:

Such persons should remember that the Watchtower sets out the words of God’s prophet.

(Watchtower 1936 p.182 par.18)

When a “prophet” makes a prediction we call it a “prophecy”. Have you ever seen anything similar to the WWN headlines, albeit less sensationalized, in a Watchtower?

Have they ever made a prophecy that was to have a verifiable event tied to a particular year? For instance, in the above headline the WWN claimed to have “proof” that the year 2000 would be doomsday. Now that the year 2000 has come and gone, I think it’s a safe bet to say that was a false prediction. Therefore, what WWN considers “proof” is not proof at all, so all of their news stories are highly suspect. In a word, we no longer have any reason to believe anything they might print. (Well, except for the Bigfoot diet tips, of course.)

So what about the Watchtower? They’re less inclined to put their sensational predictions on the covers, so we have to look for the quotes contained in their publications. For instance, in the early 1920’s, the Watchtower published the following statements:

We may confidently expect that 1925 will mark the return of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and the faithful prophets of old … 1925 shall mark the resurrection of the faithful worthies of old and the beginning of the reconstruction…
Millions Now Living May Never Die, pp. 89, 90, 97

We have no doubt whatever in regard to the chronology relating to the dates of 1874, 1914, 1918, and 1925.
Watchtower 1922 p. 147

The physical facts show beyond question 0f a doubt that 1914 ended the Gentile times; and as the Lord foretold, the old order is being destroyed by war, famine, pestilence, and revolution.

The date 1925 is even more distinctly indicated by
the Scriptures because it is fixed by the law God gave
to Israel. Viewing the present situation in Europe, one
wonders how it will be possible to hold back the explosion
much longer; and that even before 1925 the great
crisis will be reached and probably passed.
The Watchtower 9/1/22, page 262

Our thought is, that 1925 is definitely settled by the Scriptures. As to Noah, the Christian now has much more upon which to base his faith than Noah had upon which to base his faith in a coming deluge.
The Watchtower, 4/1/23, page 106

I selected the above prophecy because it is so crystal clear. We have none of the hemming and hawing and feeble qualifications that we heard regarding 1975. No; the 1925 prophecy was as clear as could be: it was a certainty for which the Christian had proof: more proof than for the Noachian flood or for the pivotal year 1914! More certain than death and taxes (since they were among the “millions who would never die”, and had quickly gone back to calling themselves a “religion” so they wouldn’t have to pay taxes) there was nothing more certain in the organization than that they’d be rubbing shoulders with Abraham and Isaac et al. out in the door-to-door ministry come 1925. Imagine the privilege for the proud brother assigned to show King David how to work the gramophone to play Rutherford’s speeches at the householders’ doors!

It may not have made a cover, but the Watchtower sensationalized this idea in its own way: by publicizing the purchase of “Beth-Sarim”: a mansion in San Diego deeded to King David and the “Ancient Worthies” (and held in trust by Rutherford until their appearance).

1925 came and went, and unless Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, et al. have been hiding out in the Beth-Sarim basement for the past 87 years, the Watchtower made a false prophecy. Therefore their writings are to be no more trusted than the WWN.

Challenge question for my Jehovah’s Witness readers: What do you call a prophet who makes false prophecies? Do you call such a prophet a “true prophet” or a “false prophet”? We’d love to call them a “non-prophet” (like the WWN), but they’ve already claimed to be a prophet, so that appellation just doesn’t fit.

Follow-up question: In light of the following Scripture, should you be afraid when the Watchtower threatens you with eternal death for leaving the organization?

But the prophet, which shall presume to speak a word in my name, which I have not commanded him to speak, or that shall speak in the name of other gods, even that prophet shall die. And if thou say in thine heart, How shall we know the word which the LORD hath not spoken? When a prophet speaketh in the name of the LORD, if the thing follow not, nor come to pass, that is the thing which the LORD hath not spoken, but the prophet hath spoken it presumptuously: thou shalt not be afraid of him.
(Deut. 18:20-22 KJV)

 

Advice for false prophets: What to do after you’ve been found out!

There are several things the false prophet or predictor can do after a prophecy or prediction has failed to come true:

  1. Just ignore it and hope everyone else does too. This is what the WWN has always done (though actually they don’t care; it just makes their paper all the funnier when their predictions fail.) The Watchtower chose this method for Beth-Sarim: quietly selling it a few years after Rutherford’s death.
  2. Pretend that it really did come true; but in a different way than everyone expected. This is the method the Watchtower chose for their failed prophecy regarding 1914. When everything they had prophesied about it failed to come to pass they simply reinterpreted the meaning and shifted things around a bit (just like with the “generation” prophecy.)
  3. Pretend that you never made such a prophecy, and accuse your followers of misinterpreting your statements. Amazingly — given the strong certain language they had used in making the prophecy — this is the method the Watchtower chose for their failed prophecy regarding 1925:

1925 was a sad year for many brothers, some of them were stumbled; their hopes were dashed. They had hoped to see some of the ancient worthies resurrected. Instead of being a “probability” they read into it that it was a “certainty.”
— 1975 Yearbook, p. 146

So the Watchtower has been versatile in the aftermath of their false prophecies: using every one of the devious means available to squirm out of the truth about themselves.

Such skills may be admirable amongst con-men: not so admirable in men claiming to be faithful and discreet.


 

Simply Inspired

What if I told you that I just wrote something that was “inspired by God”?

You ask to see the document, and I hand you the following page:


The LORD God, creator of heaven and earth and all that dwell therein spoke to me and said:

“Bats are birds.

Whales are fish.

Unicorns, dragons, and satyrs exist.

There are three days and three nights between Friday evening and Sunday morning.

If you utterly destroy everyone who breathes of a certain nation, someone of that nation may later kill you or the nation may raise up an army and defeat you.

Black may not be white, but scarlet is purple .

Do not call anyone a fool, you fool!”

 

You look at me in disbelief and ask, “This is what God said to you?”

“No,” I say, “this is what God inspired to be written.”

 

Would you believe me?

Would you believe that God chose to spend time inspiring the writing of this nonsensical trivia?

In the first place, you inform me: none of the statements I’ve attributed to God are true. Bats are mammals, not birds; they don’t lay eggs. Whales are no more fish than you and I are; they are air-breathing mammals. Unicorns, dragons, and satyrs are mythological beings with no existence in reality. There are at most only two full days and only two nights between Friday evening and Sunday morning. A nation utterly destroyed no longer exists and so cannot mount an attack. Scarlet and purple are two distinct colors just as much as black and white are. And where do I get off calling you a fool when I tell you not to call anyone a fool?

“Oh, but you see,” I interrupt, “you’re just an unbeliever nit-picking at my holy document and taking everything out of context. This was translated from an ancient language, and you need to make allowances for that. The word for “bird” really just means a winged creature. Besides, they didn’t classify animals the same way you do today. And who knows what they meant by the mythological beasts? They could be symbolic, after all.”

You roll your eyes and say, “Well, you’d think that God would’ve inspired an accurate translation if he was going to all the trouble of communicating this garbage to us. Plus God would know that bats don’t have anything like the wings of birds: they have webbed fingers. It’s the sort of understandable mistake an ignorant person would make by just observing bats, but not a mistake the bat’s creator could make. But what about the number of days? Surely a mistake in simple arithmetic can’t be excused on the basis of translating from an ancient language, can it?”

I shake my head at you in astonishment at your obstinate skepticism: “Well, of course there are three days: Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. And every day has a night, doesn’t it? So there’s your three days and three nights, you scoffer! But really, in that ancient language they didn’t count days the same way we do; they just meant parts of three days by that expression.”

You laugh and ask, “What makes you think this drivel was inspired by God? If something were truly so inspired it would be completely accurate, with its truth obvious to everyone without the need for apologists to dream up flimsy and far-fetched excuses for its mistakes.”

“Give me that,” I demand, grabbing the sheet from your hands. I proceed to write something at the bottom of the page and hand it back to you with a triumphant smile, “There! Read that!”

You look at the bottom of the page and see that I have scrawled: “This is scripture and all scripture is inspired by God.”

 

Convinced?

I hope not. However, what if I were to tell you that all of the statements I’ve written on the page are, in fact, taken from the Bible?

You may have recognized some of them, but here are the complete citations:

Bats are birds.

Leviticus 11:13-19:

These, moreover, you shall detest among the birds; they are abhorrent, not to be eaten: the eagle and the vulture and the buzzard, … and the bat.

Whales are fish.

Jonah 1:17:

Now the LORD had prepared a great fish to swallow up Jonah. And Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.

Matthew 12:40:

For as Jonas was three days and three nights in the whale’s belly; so shall the Son of man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth

Unicorns, dragons, and satyrs exist.

Isaiah 34:7

And the unicorns shall come down with them…

Malachi 1:3:

And I hated Esau, and laid his mountains and his heritage waste for the dragons of the wilderness.

Isaiah 13:21:

But wild beasts of the desert shall lie there; and their houses shall be full of doleful creatures; and owls shall dwell there, and satyrs shall dance there.

There are three days and three nights between Friday evening and Sunday morning.

Matthew 12:40:

For as Jonas was three days and three nights in the whale’s belly; so shall the Son of man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth

Mark 15:42, 43:

And now when the even was come, because it was the preparation, that is, the day before the sabbath, Joseph of Arimathaea … went in boldly unto Pilate, and craved the body of Jesus.

Mark 16:1-6:
When the Sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices so that they might go to anoint Jesus’ body. Very early on the first day of the week, just after sunrise, they were on their way to the tomb… As they entered the tomb, they saw a young man dressed in a white robe sitting on the right side, and they were alarmed. “Don’t be alarmed,” he said. “You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen!”

[According to the above, Jesus died and was buried late on the day before the Sabbath — that is, on Friday –and rose on the morning after the Sabbath, or on Sunday. Some Christians–fully realizing the import of this contradiction–have lately disputed this, claiming a Thursday through Sunday or a Wednesday through Saturday death range, but other fundamentalists recognize that such claims can’t be reconciled with the Biblical account.]

If you utterly destroy everyone who breathes of a certain nation, someone of that nation may later kill you or the nation may raise up an army and defeat you.

1Sam:15:3, 7-8:

Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass… And Saul smote the Amalekites from Havilah until thou comest to Shur, that is over against Egypt. And he took Agag the king of the Amalekites alive, and utterly destroyed all the people with the edge of the sword.

Above: Every Amalekite destroyed.

Below: An Amalekite later kills Saul:

2Sam:1:6:

And the young man that told him said, As I happened by chance upon mount Gilboa, behold, Saul leaned upon his spear; and, lo, the chariots and horsemen followed hard after him. And when he looked behind him, he saw me, and called unto me. And I answered, Here am I. And he said unto me, Who art thou? And I answered him, I am an Amalekite. And he said unto me again, Stand, I pray thee, upon me, and slay me: for anguish is come upon me, because my life is yet whole in me. So I stood upon him, and slew him, because I was sure that he could not live after that he was fallen: and I took the crown that was upon his head, and the bracelet that was on his arm, and have brought them hither unto my lord.

Num:31:7-18:

And they warred against the Midianites, as the LORD commanded Moses; and they slew all the males. And they slew the kings of Midian… And the children of Israel took all the women of Midian captives, and their little ones, and took the spoil of all their cattle, and all their flocks, and all their goods. And they burnt all their cities wherein they dwelt… And they took all the spoil, and all the prey, both of men and of beasts.
And they brought the captives, and the prey, and the spoil, unto Moses… And Moses was wroth… And Moses said unto them, Have ye saved all the women alive? … Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.

Above: Midianites all destroyed except for the virgin girls who were made sex slaves to the Israelites on Moses’ order.

Below: Midianites later war against Israel:

Judg:6:1-5:

And the children of Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD: and the LORD delivered them into the hand of Midian seven years. And the hand of Midian prevailed against Israel… And so it was, when Israel had sown, that the Midianites came up… with their cattle and their tents, and they came as grasshoppers for multitude; for both they and their camels were without number: and they entered into the land to destroy it.

Black may not be white, but scarlet is purple.

Matthew 27:28

And they stripped him, and put on him a scarlet robe.

John 19:2

And the soldiers platted a crown of thorns, and put it on his head, and they put on him a purple robe.

Do not call anyone a fool, you fool!

Mt:5:22:

But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.

Evidently even Jesus couldn’t follow his own law, listen to what he called the scribes and Pharisees to their face:

Mt:23:17:

Ye fools and blind: for whether is greater, the gold, or the temple that sanctifieth the gold?

 

A Quandary?

Now do you believe my writing was inspired (or at least the ideas contained therein came from an inspired source, and hence the ideas are inspired by God)? Does this present a quandary for you? There are Christian apologists who go to quite amusing lengths in stretching their credibility and their readers’ credulity while attempting to explain away these embarrassments in the Bible. It should be obvious to you by now that had they read these same statements in a rival religion’s “holy” book, they would’ve scoffed as surely as you did at my writing. But, having read them in their own “holy” book they evidently feel that they must find some way to justify their existence, even if it’s less than honest and leaves themselves and others deluded.

This is how the school of Biblical interpretation has arisen that I like to call the “It doesn’t mean what it says” school. This school maintains that the God of the Bible has allowed the Bible translation accepted as “authorized” for centuries to mislead us, and only those who know the original languages can tell us what the Bible really means. All this in spite of the fact that the Bible itself states that it reveals itself to the “unlettered” (Mt. 11:25; Acts 4:13). Oops, I forgot: “that doesn’t mean what it says!”

 

Concluding Foolishness

To your surprise I come back the next day with three followers.

This time we all claim to have written God-inspired writings. “I’ve stapled them all together, so that my statement ‘this is scripture’ applies to all of it: all divinely inspired!”

To save time you say, “Please summarize what you each have written.”

My first follower says, “I wrote that God has ordered us to sacrifice a goat to him because he loves the smell of burning flesh, and spilling blood is the only way to atone for our sins.” (Ex:29:16-18: And thou shalt slay the ram, and thou shalt take his blood, and sprinkle it round about upon the altar.
And thou shalt cut the ram in pieces, and wash the inwards of him, and his legs, and put them unto his pieces, and unto his head.
And thou shalt burn the whole ram upon the altar: it is a burnt offering unto the LORD: it is a sweet savour, an offering made by fire unto the LORD.
Heb:9:22: And almost all things are by the law purged with blood; and without shedding of blood is no remission.)

The second follower says, “Yes, and God added that this was to be an ordinance incumbent upon us forever. No one must take away or add anything to this law.” (Ex:29:42: This shall be a continual burnt offering throughout your generations Deut:4:2: Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you, neither shall ye diminish ought from it, that ye may keep the commandments of the LORD your God which I command you. )

“But,” says the third follower, “God told me that he hates sacrifices and never ordered them or wanted them, and that spilling blood never forgave one sin.” (Ps:40:6: Sacrifice and offering thou didst not desire; mine ears hast thou opened: burnt offering and sin offering hast thou not required. Isa:1:11: To what purpose is the multitude of your sacrifices unto me? saith the LORD: I am full of the burnt offerings of rams, and the fat of fed beasts; and I delight not in the blood of bullocks, or of lambs, or of he goats. Heb:10:4: For it is not possible that the blood of bulls and of goats should take away sins. Heb:10:11: And every priest standeth daily ministering and offering oftentimes the same sacrifices, which can never take away sins)

“And,” I chime in, “I wrote that the son of God must be sacrificed instead of the goat.”

You try hard not to laugh, and ask, “And you are all inspired by the same God?” Receiving an affirmative answer you further ask, “So then how come you contradict each other?”

“There are no contradictions,” I explain, “this is a progressive revelation. God can’t give us all the truth at once or we’d be blinded by the light.”

“The poor goats in the meantime,” you lament, “sacrificed for nothing. But how come your second follower said that no one should change the law, and then the third guy changed it completely?”

“The light got brighter,” I explain. “God is merciful: not wanting to kill his own son he first tried to forgive sins with goat’s blood. When that didn’t work out, he made the ultimate sacrifice of his son to save us! You should fall down on your knees in gratitude instead of criticizing God’s divine plan.”

My third follower further informs you that: “The goat just prefigured the son of God.”

“Not only that,” I tell you, “but another group of guys got together and voted on which writings were inspired by God, and they chose all of ours!

 

comic books and Lady Chaterly's Lover paperback

 

“And, even though they also chose some writings which we are sure are not inspired, we still trust their judgement and think that it proves our writings are inspired, just like we claim.”

At this point you wisely decide to abandon all hope of an intelligent conversation with me, and ask me and my followers to move along.

As we turn to go you notice the comic books in the back pockets of my followers, and the paperback in mine.

 

Sparlock the Magical Warrior Wizard!

Sparlock

If you haven’t seen it, you simply must watch this priceless video produced by our good friends the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society:

In case the above video has been removed, there follows a transcript (Many thanks to Cedar’s Blog for providing this.)

  • Mom: Caleb, what toy is that?
  • Caleb: It’s Sparlock, the warrior wizard!
  • Mom: Woah! A warrior wizard?!
  • Caleb: Yeh, my friend gave it to me. All the kids are going to see the movie. Can I see it too?
  • Mom: Oh, your friend gave this to you… hm. You look pretty excited about this. Why don’t you come over here and get your snack, okay? (sighs)
  • (Caleb sits down to have his snack.)
  • Mom: Is this toy magical?
  • Caleb: Uh-huh.
  • Mom: Caleb, who likes Magic? Jehovah? Or Satan?!
  • Caleb: Satan.
  • Mom: Right. Magic is bad. That’s why Jehovah hates it. Do you REALLY wanna play with something that Jehovah hates?
  • (Caleb looks at his toy sorrowfully.)
  • Mom: Do you remember who we learned about at family worship? Who is this? (shows Caleb a picture from page 50 of the Great Teacher book)
  • Caleb: Adam and Eve.
  • Mom: Right! Did they obey Jehovah?
  • Caleb: No. They disobeyed Jehovah, and he got very sad.
  • Mom: So what if YOU disobey Jehovah, and play with toys he doesn’t like?
  • (Caleb scratches his head)
  • Mom: Do you think Jehovah will be happy? Or sad?
  • (Caleb imagines a snake hanging down from a tree next to him, clutching his toy suggestively)
  • Caleb: Sad.
  • Mom: Yeh. Do you want Jehovah to be sad?
  • Caleb: No! (slaps the imaginary snake away with his hand) I don’t want Jehovah to be sad with me!
  • Mom: No, I don’t want Jehovah to be sad with you either! So what do YOU think you should do with this toy?
  • (Caleb looks at his toy again. The next scene shows him throwing it in the trash can outside while his Mom holds the lid open for him.)
  • Mom: Caleb, I am so proud of you! You made mommy very happy! And you know who else is happy?
  • Caleb: Jehovah!
  • Mom: Yes! Jehovah loves you very much for obeying him Caleb. Hey, you know what I wanna do?
  • Caleb: What?
  • Mom: I wanna go ride bikes!
  • Caleb: Yay!
  • Mom: Let’s go!

 

Yes, what kid wouldn’t rather be seen riding around the neighborhood with his “mommy” than playing with his friends? It’s another “blessing from Jehovah”™ from those child psychology experts at the Watchtower. And to think they can crank out this stuff without ever having bothered with an education!

I could imagine the mother laying on the guilt-trip more explicitly in her deceptively gentle yet accusatory tone: “Caleb, have you been acting like a normal child again?

The Rest of the Story…

Unfortunately the video ends before showing them riding their bikes past Caleb’s friend’s house. His friend (Bertrand) sees him and calls out: “Hey Caleb, wanna come over and play Sparlock with me and Jimmy?”

“Uh, no,” Caleb replies sadly, forced into yet another awkward situation by his mother’s beliefs: “my mom made me throw my Sparlock away.”

“You threw away the Sparlock I gave you?” Bertrand asks in dismay and hurt, the tears welling up in his eyes.

Now Bertrand’s mother bursts out of the house all upset: “Hey, we spent 25 bucks on that toy! We gave it to Caleb because we know he had a birthday last week that he wasn’t allowed to celebrate.”

Then Bertrand’s Dad comes out of the garage really ticked off and demanding the $25 back and forbidding Bertrand to play with Caleb any more.

“I’m sorry you feel that way,” Caleb’s mom replies. “We’ll pay you back, but understand that the toy was magic, and we can’t have that in our home.”

The Dad shouts at her in the total frustration often seen in worldly people when they’re dealing with Witnesses: “It’s called ‘make-believe,’ lady. You know, ‘make-believe‘: like your religion?”

The final scene shows Caleb alone in his bedroom crying into his pillow. His mother knocks on the door and says, “It’s okay, Caleb; remember Jehovah loves you, and he’ll soon be destroying Bertrand and his whole family if they persist in their wickedness. And Dad says that by doing extra chores you can work off the $25 in only three months!”

Who Likes Magic?

magicianAs heart-warming as this video is, there appears to be a little flaw in it. The mother asks Caleb: “Who hates magic? Who likes magic?” It’s a calumny to reply “Jehovah and Satan,” respectively. Let’s give Jehovah his due here, people! Jehovah LOVES magic! Who was it that won the International Magicians’ Competition in Pharaoh’s Court with Moses as his front man? And let’s not forget who was working the magic for Elijah when he put the Baal magicians to shame with his fire show. Not to mention empowering Jacob’s magic wand to produce spotted cattle at will!

bronze serpentCome on now: “hating magic”? Talk about “making Jehovah sad!” It’s unappreciative comments such as these that must give him the blues. Don’t you remember him making the shadow on the sundial go backwards? And let’s not forget about the bronze serpent in the desert to heal bites from the real ones, or the golden hemorrhoids to drive away the piles (well, the golden part was the Philistines’ contribution after that prankster Jehovah inflicted the real thing on them in one of the great practical jokes of all time). If those aren’t wonderful examples of  sympathetic magic, I don’t know what is.

They talk about Adam and Eve: well, who was doing the better magic there? Oh sure, Satan made a serpent speak — big deal: Jehovah created magic trees worthy of any video game: eat from one to gain eternal life, the other to gain knowledge.

Also, Jehovah went Satan one better with the talking animal trick when he became ventriloquist for Balaam’s ass (a trick that members of the Governing Body perform to this day by talking out of their own ass).

Finally, think of all the magic tricks Jesus performed with Jehovah’s power! Water into wine; finding a coin in a fish’s mouth; multiplying loaves and fishes… When I was young I was an amateur magician myself, and I can tell you that these tricks of Jesus cost at least $29.99 in the magic store: apiece! (Well, except for the “coin in the fish’s mouth”; that always was a cheap trick.) So I know Jehovah has a considerable investment in magic.

A Million Dollar Idea!

But forget about all these petty criticisms; this is a million dollar idea! I’m surprised no one has thought of this before. I’ll want 10 percent of the profits for whoever runs with this. Today you have companies marketing their leather book-bags to Witnesses, so why not a company that markets WT-approved action figures to Witnesses? Of course Sparlock is out, thanks to this video. But with a few modifications we can salvage the idea as the first product of Theocratic Action Toys, Inc.! Change the name from Sparlock to Samson, change the magic-wand to the jaw of an ass  to kill people with, stick some long, removable hair on his head, and it has gone from demonic to Jehovah-approved magic, just like that!

Next we can market the action figure Jacob: just change the magic-wand to a speckled stick, and include some plastic cattle. (Laban, Leah and Rachel sold separately.)

Then, of course the old man himself: Moses! Now the wand is simply exchanged for a rod. Horns, broken “stone” tablets, and golden calf sold separately, as are the Egyptian “bath-time” figures (guaranteed not to float!) Imagine the fun you and your child can have playing with these! Just line up the Egyptians on one edge of the tub with Moses on the other. Then have Moses raise his rod while your youngster knocks all of the Egyptians into the water and watches them drown! These figures can double as the “first born” as well! I can envision you and your child playing “Avenging Angel of Jehovah” and guessing whether an Egyptian is first-born or not. “First-born?” your child asks, pointing to one of the Egyptians. “Yes,” you smilingly reply and watch as he excitedly flicks the figure into the tub. It will truly be a “Kodak moment” when he drowns his first one.

The Deluxe Moses Accessories package will be for the older children, featuring a large assortment of anatomically correct virgin girls so that your “little soldier” can play “Jehovah of armies” and reenact Numbers 31 to his heart’s content!

My friends, these theocratic action toys will be so much more wholesome than any worldly “magical warrior wizard” could ever be!

Most importantly (as we’ll print on every action figure package): “Jehovah happy now!”sm

 


Election Day!

votingUpdate: As of 1999, the Watchtower has declared voting to be a matter of personal conscience. The following article may continue to be pertinent, however, since most Witnesses still do not vote, for the reasons stated below.

Today is election day where I live. We get to vote on who our representatives should be in government.

People fought and died to give us this right.

I smile at the people I see standing in line at the polls. They have looked at the voting records of the incumbents and reviewed the promises of their challengers. They have come to a decision about which candidates most closely represent their own opinions about pollsthe laws that should govern us in our efforts to  live peacefully and fairly together as a society.

 

Few if any of these voters realize that they are engaging in Satan worship by this activity.

Poor, deluded fools destined for carrion.

There’s not one Jehovah’s Witnesses among them. The Witnesses recognize that all governments are part of Satan’s organization opposed to Jehovah God’s Kingdom. So, any vote at all in any election is a vote for Satan and against Jehovah. We can’t have that!

If everyone were a Witness we would do away with elections, just as dictators have always done when assuming command. Instead of having any say in our government we would humbly submit to the whims of the Governing Body (whom we know Jehovah himself has always elected — well, except for Ray Franz.) Then we wouldn’t have to waste time and effort thinking about what would be the best course of action to solve our difficulties. We would simply surrender our wills to the GB and do whatever they said, even if they told us to watch our children die or to shun them. — Wait, that’s the case right now in the government the Witnesses have subjected themselves to in their “spiritual paradise!” Surely that is the better model for all people on Earth rather than all this voting nonsense.

In the United States, where I live, it is commonly said that the “stay-at-home voters” get the government that they deserve, and have no right to complain about it since they made no effort to participate in electing someone more representative of themselves. So, I wonder: are Witnesses surrounded by Satanic government just because they don’t vote for Jehovah? I mean, if every vote cast is a vote for Satan, and the Witnesses aren’t out there voting for Jehovah, then Jehovah is going to lose every election! By now it must be something like umpteen billion votes for Satan to zero votes for poor Jehovah!Election results

The course of action is clear: Witnesses should start a write-in campaign for Jehovah. Go to the polls and cross out all the other names (they’re just stooges for Satan, after all [good name for a rock band, by the way: Stooges for Satan]), and write in “Jehovah” (or his representative: Jesus). That will surely usher in God’s kingdom on Earth that they’ve been praying for: remember God helps those who help themselves. Maybe this is what has been delaying things all this time! Stop dreaming up dates and talking about how much you want God’s kingdom on Earth: get out there and vote for it! Then you’ll  have done your part in bringing Armageddon that much closer to reality, and you’ll know in your heart it was worth it when you see all these voters-for-Satan reduced to a pile of rotting corpses on that day!Watchtower's depiction of Armageddon